Make your Internet date a success

By ANN FINSTAD

Congratulations! So you've finally met the man/woman of your dreams. They're smart, funny, well-read, and have a firm grasp on the finer use of emoticons. Welcome to the 21st century and all the perks that come with it.

I'm talking, of course, about the internet, Al Gore's wonderful invention that not only gave us such treasures as eBay, coffeecam, and the "Bert is Evil" Web site, but also allows people from all over the world to meet in a benign environment and bond over things such as cult television shows, role playing games, and secret rubber chicken fetishes.

What's that, you say? You don't have a secret rubber chicken fetish? Well, I've got good news for you: The internet is no longer a meeting place for weirdoes only, but for nice, normal people like you and I! There are blog sites with communities for those interested in anything from Archaeology to Zoolander slash; message boards are more numerous than the grains of sand on a beach; and of course what would the world be like without the ubiquitous friendster.com, with its cheery tagline "meet new people?"

This all adds up to more and more people "meeting" online, getting to know each other from the confines of the bedroom, study or office. After enough conversations about how Ryan and Seth from The O.C. are so gay, you may exchange phone numbers and spend long hours talking about how you just get each other, praising Al Gore's Internet™ in all its glory. This may go on for weeks, months or even years, but eventually it all comes down to the same thing: It's time to take the plunge and arrange a face-to-face meeting.

And that's where Lumino is here to help.

1) Tell your friends and family

Now, breaking the news may be harder than you think. Your best option is to leave out the details, identifying anecdotes, and words like "Internet" and "live Webcam subscription." Just tell Grandma you met them at the nice Jewish Deli around the corner, Mom and Dad that they're the new secretary who works in the office down the hall, and your sister that you're sorry, but you're no longer accepting her offers to fix you up with her twice-divorced sister-in-law with the Oprah obsession and bad perm. Your friends, however, should know the truth. You do have real life friends, right? Good for you! That way, when you don't show up to work on Monday, they can call the police.


2) Meet in a Public Place.

Good examples of public places are local coffee houses, mall atriums, crowded bars, and well lit parking lots across the street from the Police Station. A public place does not mean the back of their conversion van on the lower level of the mall parking garage. I don't care if they do claim to have the unaired pilot of Buffy on their in-dash DVD player, this is a sure way to visit stab-fest 2004.

3) Drink in Moderation

So, you're in the crowded bar of your choosing, the music swells, the crowd parts, and the man/woman of your "dreams" waltzes up. Suddenly, the music stops with the annoying noise of a needle scratching a record, and it's all you can do to keep from recoiling. If you resist the first thought running through your head (Back. Away. Very. Slowly.), you will probably at some point think, "Hey, I saw your picture on Friendster, and you did not look like that. Perhaps they will have the courtesy to explain that their picture was taken 5 years/45 pounds/six kids ago, or that the doctor swore the rash would clear up in due time, or that in some ways, they do look like that photo clipped from the cover of a 1998 USA Weekend, at least around the eyes.

This is where our advice comes in: if you decide to give this person a chance, do not start drinking heavily in hopes that once you're three martinis in, they will start to resemble their picture. That way only leads to hangovers, heartbreak, and on rare occasions, ugly, ugly babies.

4) Lower your expectations

Face it. No matter how many carefully worded e-mails you've exchanged, that first meeting between you and your internet mate is really just a glorified blind date. True, you can skip all that small talk about where you grew up and how granny ruined the Thanksgiving of '96 with her full-length one woman rendition of The English Patient; but this is really the first chance the other person has to see the real you (and vice versa). Someone will come out of the bathroom with toilet paper on their shoe, trip over a waiter, and land face first in a plate of spaghetti. Trust me, these things are not funny if you are not Ben Stiller or have an accompanying laugh track. But curb your urge to flee the scene, change your e-mail address, and live the rest of your life in a bandana and large, dark sunglasses. These things happen to everyone.
And if it doesn't work out, there are always more message boards.

5) Take things slowly

So you've gotten past steps one through four with no mishaps. Good job! We know how eager you are to plunge in to your newly minted relationship, but a few more caveats before you accept that ring that they carried in their jacket pocket during their cross-country JetBlue ride. Sure, they don't seem to have any hideous deformities; you've been talking for quite some time, and you Googled them the second you found out their last name. (Who wouldn't?) Although they may not be wanted in the tri-state area or have embarrassing pictures on hotornot.com, how can you be sure that they don't secretly have eighteen wives, thirty-seven children, and an annulled marriage to Britney Spears under their belt? The truth? You can't. So take things slow. You have plenty of time to find out about their Percoset addiction and collection of taxidermied chipmunks later on down the road.

Until then, we wish you and your significant other the best of luck.