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Photos courtesy of Dandion.com |
How about the alternative?– Dave Barry for President! By NICK POWILLS Had Dave Barry actually been a candidate for President of the United States of America, he would have gotten my vote. "Funny. Witty. Ready to make you pee your pants," is what his campaign slogan would have read. No terrorist or dictator would have ever taken punches at him, because he would have turned around and made them laugh. Not just giggle a few laughs, but laugh hysterically, thus forgetting what building they had planned to blow up or what civilian they planned to patronize. Just kidding. However, Barry decided not to run. Had he run, he knows he would have snagged some votes. "The longer we are exposed to two major party candidates, the more we hate them," he laughs, "which seems to be the case every year. So, if I campaign long enough, people just might vote for me." Recently, Barry was on tour with his band, the Rock Bottom Remainders, a band composed of authors who wish they were musicians. Despite tour stops in some of the biggest cities around the country, including Chicago, Barry didn’t use this opportunity to raise cash for his campaign. "Oh, I didn’t do this for the money," he says. "Although, if people want to hand me large cash contributions I won’t turn them down. I can’t guarantee that I won’t just put the money in my pocket though." Since Barry has now decided to leave behind his lauded syndicated columnist gig for at least a year, he will be looking for some other activity to fill his once busy life. With the state of current politics, maybe, just maybe, a run at office is in order. Probably not. "I honestly have gotten sick of the campaign," he says. "But, this happens every four years. This is what has come down to it after all this. Count me as a very unenthusiastic type of person. I went to both conventions and I read the papers and watch the debates, but still, I just [wasn’t] too into it." Another option could be to go full time with the music gig – of course he would have to coerce the other authors – Amy Tan, Stephen King, Mitch Albom, Scott Turow, and Matt Groening – into it. And the "benefits" might not be worth it. "We don’t really get that many groupies, I regret to say," Barry laughs. "If people throw underwear on our stage, it is usually rather large. To do music full time, I would have to have some musical talent. I’m not saying that I have writing talent, but compared to my musical talent, I write amazing [sic]. We are an amusing band. Even when we are trying really hard, they are like, hey that’s amusing." Despite the lack of talent, the collaboration is enticing. "The writing is so lonely and so quiet," he says. "You can be enthusiastic, but you can never let it out. And music is the complete opposite. The social aspect of it is what appeals to us the most. It’s just so much fun. We all just sit around a lot, quietly in a room, so it’s great to get out of that. It’s great." With so much free time on his hands, I say he runs for office. Barry could probably give Hilary Clinton a run for her money. But what about a campaign versus Mickey Mouse? "Mickey Mouse and I probably tie," he says. |
