I wish my life was that cool, full of crocodile wrestling and volcano luging (there is no correct spelling anywhere for this), but truthfully it is somewhat less eventful. But my life has changed a lot since my last posting, and it would take a long time to hit all the deets on what has happened so I’ll save that for when I’m bored one day, possibly in between shark dives.

But things are on the up and up, I am waiting to start a job downtown as a Content Developer, writing researched web pages on various educational topics. Sounds lame, but I like that kind of stuff and it comes naturally to me and pays a deece to quite deece wage. I have been writing for a nightlife magazine out of Northwest Indiana called The NWI Entertainer, I cover three bands and one DJ a month. To check out some articles, head to http://www.nwientertainer.com, and last fall I actually interviewed a possible American Idol. Amy Davis, who grew up in Lowell and lives in Cedar Lake, has been playing in a couple of bands in the Region and I did a phone interview with her while she was in Houston in the midst of her audition. She is very talented and extremely easy on the eyes, so I might actually watch that show now. At second thought, probably not, but I’ll always back her because if she makes it I can say I was the first writer to ever publish an article on her, subsequently causing me to purchase an oversized button that says “RAD” that I will proudly wear on a daily basis. That way when I’m walking around people will say, “Excuse me sir, but I am fascinated with your button, may I ask why you are wearing it?” And I will respond, “Funny you should ask,.....”

There are many more interesting things that have happened, but I must leave you wanting more so I bid you farewell, but keep your eye out for some future postings!

First off, I began working at South County Gypsum, a subsidiary of USG as a clerk last Monday. It was only a 12:00-4:30 gig, and my boss told me it wouldn't turn into full time for a month or so. But after bustin’ my ass and impressing the office and warehouse guys, I was told today I am going full time next Monday! I am finally going to make a deece wage, and even though I won’t get salary and bennies for two months, I couldn’t be happier. Now I can actually live my life without wondering if that tab from last weekend has gone through yet and hand over my debit card without fear of a decline or the eventual overdraft fees.

And after two months of random shows, our band is booking hard for late summer and fall. I got us a show at a bar at my ‘ol alma mater where I used to bounce at, and even though Purdue football isn’t what it used to be, when we start playing during football season we’ll make a killing as far as the $$$ is concerned. And I’ll have access to an age group that is slipping through my fingers as every day goes by, so being a musician and an alum will pay out quite nicely. Plus I’m leaving town the next day and won’t have any obligations to anyone, but we won’t get into that.

Lastly, I began writing for the NWI Entertainer, a sister magazine of Wassup! Magazine. I’ll be covering three bands a month and writing bar histories and all that good stuff, so it‘s right up my alley. This is what I wanted to do with my degree, and you have to start somewhere, so I am super psyched about that.

So all in all, my life has taken a turn for the better within two weeks, and I’m still a bit overwhelmed by all of the immediate success. So as any 20-something would do, I am going out tonight and getting smashed, for tomorrow is the last day I will be expected at work at noon, so I am taking full advantage. Speaking of which, it’s turning Jack and Coke:30 right now, so I’ll talk to you all later!!!

July 27th is slowly approaching, and once training camp hits my attention officially shifts from baseball to football (and unfortunately the Sox are making that transition a little too easy this year). But it’s never good to hear about any of your players getting involved in any off season BS, and losing Tank will hurt, but we are a deep squad so I’m not that upset. Plus, we have Anderson, Brown and Harris still here, so they will anchor the NFC’s best defense once again this year.

But I still don’t get why you’d throw away all that money and a job you love? Granted, I am no one to judge anybody, especially a professional athlete whose daily life differs a tad bit from my own, but I can’t help but scratch my chin and think, “YOU’RE RICH AS BALLS!!! PAY SOME DUMBASS A FEW HUNDRED BUCKS OR SOMETHING TO DRIVE YOU AROUND WHEN YOUR MUFFED UP!!!” I mean c’mon, if you’re already on watch why would you risk everything? I know he’ll be picked up by someone else, but it’s not the point; the point is to have respect for your team and yourself, for now he is unemployed and if he does re-enter the league he’ll be under a friggin’ microscope the rest of his career, and he’s only in his mid-20’s. But it doesn’t matter now, Da Bears will have a glorious season without him, and as far as Tank is concerned I will have my long time friend Hawk Harrelson send him out with a, “HE GONE!!!”

My lead singer’s girlfriend’s parents (sounds made up, I know) live on a lake and they like to party so they invited a handful of people over on Saturday for some cold beers and a cruise on the boat. I reluctantly got out of bed in the a.m. on a weekend and headed over there, board shorts on and towel slung over the shoulder. It was me, Charlie, June’s parents and June’s aunt, a very attractive woman in her low 30’s. We BS’d for a while and then headed out for a cruise, but despite the “30%” chance of showers a black cloud appeared out of nowhere and rained down hell upon us after like 20 minutes on the water. We garaged it for about an hour and enjoyed some beers and a few laughs, and once the rain subsided we hit the water for round two. The whole time we were in the garage everyone kept saying how I needed to get on the ski’s, and I brushed it off like, “Yeah, whatever, I’ll give it a shot.” Big mistake. BIIIIIIIIG mistake.

June’s dad went first, and of course he’s hopping the wake, bending turns and displaying his years of skiing expertise. Then it was my turn. I began using an old D.A.R.E. tactic, that being “The Broken Record”, but then June’s aunt said, “I’ll go if you go. You’re the man, so you should go first.” Swallowing a sexual response I reluctantly agreed, tossed on my vest and dove in the water. I tried this once before many years ago, but I couldn’t even stay up for like five seconds. So after all the instructions and everything, I pointed my skis, held the handle between my legs and braced for the tug. I saw the slack kick out and the boat churn up some wake, so I repeated some positive thoughts in my head and…….. BOOM, I was up! This is amazing! I can’t believe-face full of water. Before it began it was all over, and as the lake water drained from my ears I could hear their laughter as they circled back. The second and third attempt followed suit, and as I re-attached my ski’s for my fourth attempt I noticed another boat skipping by, and an adolescent female skiing along like nobody’s business. Cheers and pumping fists poured from their boat and although she looked terrified, she had still gotten out of the water.

This put some charge in my body and as my boat floated by, June’s aunt was smiling and said, “C’mon Matt, you can do this!!!” And just like that, my thoughts went from positive to, “C’mon you pussy, you look like a fag out here. Be somebody!!!” So I got my grip, gave the nod and then BOOM, I was up! Yes I was rocking back and forth and my form was horrific, but I was up!!! Ok now, just straighten out, no wait, that leg isn’t straight, no, don’t overcorrect, just bring that one ba-SLAM BANG BOOM!!! I can guarantee that wipeout was Max X worthy, for they laughed all the way back, and I could tell they were sick of me falling right away so I gave the “NO MAS” and hopped back in the boat. June’s aunt didn’t get up either, but the fact I looked like an idiot out there kind of ruined my day for a bit. Then of course Charlie went out and made it around the lake a few times, so I felt about eight inches tall when we went in to dock.

But I will not give up, I WILL get up on those ski’s and kick some serious ass, but I’ll probably have to hire someone to take me on a desolate lake where nobody can see me look like an fool.

Actually, the whole rivalry is at a stand still for me, because how can I argue for my Sox? A point-counterpoint between Cubs and Sox fans would be a pointless debate, for how would either side one up the other? Granted, the Cubs took two out of three at Wrigley, but the Cubs hold the worst home record in baseball and seeing how they’re in the worst division in baseball that’s pretty bad. But the Sox aren’t doing that much better, and I must say, back in April I did not think we’d be where we’re at right now. And believe me, that isn’t my Sox Pride talking, we were projected to be a Wild Card threat and I follow baseball stats to a certain extent so it was an educated opinion. But recently they’ve been almost unbearable to watch.

I mean six hits a game!?! C”MON!!! I’m out here at my local establishments cheering them on and they can’t hit a ball out of the infield! But as with any of my beloved sports squadrons I will continue to support them through thick and thin, but I am starting to rethink my statement a couple years ago when I remember saying, “I don’t care if they suck for ten years, WE WON!!!”

But there are plenty of games left and we have the talent to make some noise, so I hope everyone sticks by their side and continues to root for the best baseball team in Chicago!

These were all created/adapted in my college years, but a couple have followed me up here. If you choose to attempt one PLEASE use extreme caution, for if used improperly they can produce unsatisfactory results for both parties involved.

1.) The Day-Trader: This one I am happy to say I invented during a night out with the fellas down at school, and it has evolved into a competitive game for shots. You can choose who goes first whichever way you like, but once the first susceptible single female waits at the bar for a drink, the game is on. Once there is an opening next to her, you flip open your cell phone and walk towards her, and once she is in range the madness begins. ***ATTENTION*** If you plan on actually scoring with this person, I advise you to wait for another.

“Doug, hey baby talk to me. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Wait....WHAT!?! Doug, I TOLD you once BioTech drops another percentage to dump that shit faster than your third wife and hit up that lead on the wireless IPO’s!!! For fuck’s sake we’ve been working’ together how long......yeah, that’s right, and you pull this amateur shit on me!!! (Hand on forehead). Ya know, I’m out here everyday bustin’ my frickin’ onions keeping our business afloat and you think it’s OK to just piss away $300,000. Yeah, you’re right you’ll fix it, call me when you have some good news God damnit, I’m trying to enjoy myself here for a few hours.”

After an exhale of disgust you toss the phone you just slammed shut on the bar and turn to her and say, “Sorry about that, stupid stock stuff. So what’re you drinking there sweet cheeks?” The scoring system is based on the look given, a possible curse out, or any other derogatory reaction received before she walks away. As stated earlier I advise caution with whom you perform this on, because it has gone really bad a few times. But, if executed correctly, can become a cutthroat game between friends.

2.) Rocks-In-A-Box: This may cause serious foot injury to the unlucky soul who unintentionally takes place in this game, but I can promise the level of hilarity is almost unmatched. What you do is get an empty box, preferably one that seems harmless to the unexpecting eye and place it in the middle of the sidewalk. Depending on your personal preference, place a solid object inside of it: possibly a brick, hand weight, or a chunk of a cinderblock. Once the bait is set, retreat to your porch or front window and wait for people to walk by. If a few people pass, don’t get discouraged, because eventually someone will be walking along, notice a seemingly empty box sitting in the sidewalk and take a Gould-esque boot at it. There isn’t really any reason to explain the rest, but another word of advice: there have been cases of fights breaking out due to the humiliation and pain, so make sure your laughter and presence is kept unnoticed.

3.) Poo-Dollar: As simple as it’s name it is easily performed, but the delight of pulling it off is priceless (well, maybe not completely because you must use a dollar bill, but it’s worth it). Once again you need a well-lit high traffic sidewalk, but instead of a box and a heavy object you need a dollar bill and some feces. Yes, I know it’s pretty gross, but we always had a dog and if handled properly it isn’t really an issue at all. All you need to is place a generous amount of the butt mud on the bottom of the dollar and stick it to the pavement. Then, just like Rocks-In-A-Box, retreat to a safety zone and wait for your victim. This trick is much more successful due to the use of American currency, but the humor level is about the same. Believe me, there is nothing like the polar opposite display of emotion when you see the person happily pick up a random dollar only to find along with it is a clump of doo doo butter. Ahh, I have many a fond memory just typing this, so if you feel like some cheap laughs give it a shot.

Well, I don’t want to incriminate myself anymore so if you’re bored one night with some friends see if you can find as much enjoyment in these as I do. But beware, for as I’ve stated before, if handled improperly this knowledge can bring upon grave results.