The one thing I love about all my gal pals is that we are all self-awareness junkies. Meaning, we want to be better people every day, and that means taking a hard look at ourselves in the mirror and being honest about who we are and who we want to be.
Over Indian buffet one Friday night, one of my namesake pals, recently began talking about why she began dating "John." After eight years of singledom and two relationships only lasting a few months, she realized that she wasn’t dating for the right reasons. As she put it, she said that she was dating to date, not dating to find her life partner.
She realized that she would go out on one or two dates with guys and throw them away like yesterday’s news without any thought. Just because these men didn’t automatically fit into what she thought she was looking for, and before they had the chance to prove their worth, my girlfriend would kick them to the curb faster than you can say “check please!”
After years of a similar single past, I began to wonder if I too had fallen into the trap of dating to date. For the last nine years I’ve gone to bars, volunteered, gone on countless blind dates (the good, bad and the worst) and joined online dating sites (even before it was cool), looking for that special someone to share my life with.
Instead, I found myself on dates that either drove me to call my girlfriends helplessly from the bathroom for help, or just drove me away period. I kept thinking that “the namedropper,” “the elevator salesman,” “the shy guy” and even “the I want to marry you tomorrow guy” were all just, well, freaks. The desire to meet my life partner was so intense that I simply started going out with everyone who asked.
Now I realize, that 1) my type is not really my type, seeing as how it’s worked out for me and all, and 2) that I was just making the wrong call on who to date. I stopped dating to find my life partner. Instead, I had thrown a bowl of noodles on the wall to see what stuck – thinking it would increase my odds.
Listening to my friend, I began to realize that finding that right person is not always fireworks and trumpets announcing “This is it!” My friend had grasped a deeper sense of dating that led her to a very nice, attractive man whom she never would have picked out of the crowd before. Now, they are building a relationship that has quickly graduated to a lovely holiday of meeting the parents. (Now, two of my girlfriends have reached this point of higher emotional intelligence.)
When people ask me why I’m not dating someone, they always say I’m too picky. The reality is that I was picky. I used to immediately throw away the phone number of a hottie just because he had worn, dirty shoes on, or bad hands. That is picky.
Now, I want to focus on dating to find my life partner. There is a sense of “picking and choosing” about it, but not as in “he’s a bad dresser.” It’s more of the important elements that make someone my friend, lover and life partner. A good-hearted person, who can be sensitive toward others, wants to live life to the fullest, would enjoy spending his time laughing with me who and really, really adores me.
There is a huge difference between being picky and knowing what you are looking for in a life partner. If you’re wondering, they are all the wonderful qualities that make you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is readily available and present in your lives, separate and together. They are like our longtime, old friends, and even new friends, who have become soul mates, who know us inside and out, who are as comfortable as a brand new pair of squishy socks that you never want to take off, because over time they form to fit you and you them.
I challenge you in 2006 to determine whether you are truly dating for the right reasons. You might be surprised at the answer, but you have to be honest with yourself.
The next time someone tells you that you’re single because you’re too picky, let them know that it’s like shopping for the perfect pair of jeans. You know exactly what you’re looking for, you’ll spare no expense, and you’ll know it’s the perfect fit after you wear them for a while.
• "Dating Games" appears the 1st and 15th of every month, exclusively in Lumino Magazine.
