Maybe I'm more carefree in general. Maybe it's about animal instinct. That I, like most people on vacation, am more interested in just having fun and my carefree nature was sensed by those men.
I used to think it was just the men in Chicago. That a lot of people here date like my sister buys luggage. First, she researches it online. Then she goes to the store and talks to the sales rep and looks over the luggage in person. She then gets in her car, drives home and mulls it over for a few days, returning to the store to purchase the luggage the next week.
To me men in Chicago seem to follow this same pattern in meeting and dating women. They sit back on their haunches, check out the scene, find something they like and think “if she's here next week, I'll talk to her, and if she shows up the following week I'll ask her out”. Meanwhile, I thought men in Dallas were just smarter to see what a great catch I am.
I spent a lot of time around horses until I was 22. I learned to ride when I was 11, as part of a Girl Scout merit badge. Although my family often vacationed in the mountains, there was something different about not riding a trail horse that just walks and walks. Here was a large, well trained animal that could possibly pummel me if I made one wrong move from canter to gallop to jumping. The trainer looked at me and saw the uncertainty I was beginning to feel. She told me to be confident and have fun, that the horse could sense my fear and trepidation, which isn't very reassuring for them.
As in learning to ride a horse, or sniffing out prey, can others sense our dating fears and insecurities before we're even able to identify them ourselves?
When we meet someone new we hope they don't see that we're nervous or scared of being rejected. That we have been scarred from past relationships; that we doubt ourselves in even the slightest way; that we are insecure; that we're afraid of opening ourselves up to others. In reality, the little nuances we give off, the slightest touch or look, the distance we put between ourselves and others, and the energy we give off are sensed by others.
It's the same when we go on a job interview or have a big new business meeting. We want to win the job or business but any lack of confidence in ourselves or our abilities can come shining through to others. Sure there is the idea of professionalism that needs to be upheld, but I wonder that if we could live our lives as if we were constantly on vacation at the beach, could we be more carefree and have less fear of rejection?
A few years ago I met a really great guy, who wasn't so great when I met him. He came up, talked to me and his arrogance was loud and clear. I blew him off but he stuck next to me like an annoying fly that keeps buzzing around you while you're trying to eat. Finally my friends and I left. When I saw him again he apologized for any behavior that might have turned me off and admitted that he'd just gotten out of a long-term relationship and was nervous about dating again. I told him his nervousness came off as arrogance and I wasn't interested. After awhile he let his guard down and I really got to know him. He is a great guy, who instead of being himself put on a façade that made him feel more confident, or become someone he thought women would be interested in. I corrected his misplaced instincts. Today we are friends and he is in a great relationship.
The one thing that men and women do have in common is our fear of rejection. It makes us do funny things, act differently. Everyone is hoping something will happen - we'll have sex or build a relationship with this person. Really none of that will happen unless the signals and energy we give off are positive, making us that much more attractive to one another. Even the smallest things are picked up by others and we may not even notice we're doing it.
Let's put it out there. Everyone faces rejection. It's how you deal with it that matters. My experience in Dallas tells me that I face less rejection when I am my carefree and authentic self. My priorities may be to meet men, but it's not the end all of my evening. I want to have fun.
True, there is a certain anonymity when you go out of town. Really the odds of seeing this or that person again are slim, like they are in Chicago, believe it or not. Think about it, almost the same number of people who live in the Dallas metro area live in Chicago proper. I can honestly say that I have rarely run into any man I have dated or even talked to that resulted in “I'll call you”, or not. So why can't we be as carefree in dating in Chicago as we might be on vacation where we don't know anyone? It's not like there aren't enough places to go, when avoiding others, or fish in this particular see to catch. What stops us is rejection in all its ugly forms.
It should be comforting to know that everyone shares the pang of rejection. If you feel as if you're continuously being turned down by men or women, or you are failing to make a connection with someone, then it's time to find out what negative signals you're giving off that others sense.
I have to make the reference. We all remember “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” by a younger, very hot Tay Diggs. Would she have pursued something with a younger man if she wasn't on vacation? It's the carefree state -of-mind, or not, we carry around with us that could make the difference in everything we do, in all of our relationships and whether or not we achieve the things we want in life. Release your inhibitions, preconceived notions and expectations. Go with the flow and have fun in everything you do. Next thing you know, your dating life could increase tenfold and you might be taking your career to the next level.
• "Dating Games" appears the 1st and 15th of every month, exclusively in Lumino Magazine.
