In those first few moments, we realize that we're talking to someone who doesn't know us; doesn't know our pasts, our mistakes and idiosyncrasies. It's a chance to paint the best possible picture of ourselves so we appear more appealing to this person, who we'd like to date and know better.
But how honest are we really? There's a difference between featuring our best attributes and attempting to be someone we think others would prefer us to be. The first time we meet someone, and the first couple of dates, we're on our best behavior all for the chance that this person will fall head over heels for us. We put on our best “dating game face” in hopes that they won't see our true identity, just yet.
This is part one of the mating dance. But does it have to be?
In the wild, animals flaunt their beautiful feathers, show their strength and squawk, or roar, with vehemence to show their worth as a potential mate. Albeit, this is done simply to achieve a few moments of bliss aimed at procreation, but the concept is still relatively the same. Once it's all over with and the truth of intention is revealed, both parties walk away.
The human dating song sings a similar tune. Sure, we dress our best, shower, and appear well-manicured in our attempt to attract the mate we've set our eye on, but unlike animals, humans have the potential to make that relationship last. Beyond the physical, we rarely share the more intimate details of our lives and personalities, in some cases with good measure. No one wants to hear about a string of bad relationships right off the bat, but they do want to know what you're looking for in a relationship. The amount of ourselves that we're willing to put forward right away can actually determine a relationship's longevity and quality.
All too often, once we've snagged our chosen mate and have formed an established relationship (anywhere between three to nine months), our true, authentic selves begin to appear, and sometimes they aren't so attractive to our mate. It's the period of time when we let go of the fear and need to continuously “impress”, but feel comfort and freedom in being ourselves. At this point most people say that their partner has “changed”, one of the biggest disappointments in achieving a long lasting relationship, and eventually the relationship ends. It can even be worse for those dating long distance.
A good friend of mine in Texas met and started dating a young woman who was getting her master's degree in Beantown. For almost two years the duo traveled to see one another and spoke religiously every day. After a year and half, my friend began to notice things about his girlfriend that he never knew before; things that revealed their incompatibility. For these two, they were constantly on their best behavior when they talked and visited one another. Due to the distance between them, it took her longer to have the confidence to shed her “feathers” and reveal her authentic self.
While my friend, a former ladies man, had proven to himself and others that he is actually capable of having a committed relationship, he couldn't help but feel that he'd wasted more time than necessary in the relationship. If he had only “known” her earlier on he wouldn't have gotten so attached and been able to move on.
Why we hold back who we really are is a series of factors that include fear of disappointment, fear of rejection or simple insecurity in regards to ourselves and our lives. Really it's insecurity that drives all of our fears, and finding the strength to overcome them and become truly happy with ourselves can conquer disappointment and the feeling of rejection. Our lack of faith in ourselves, and the inability to “like” ourselves just as we are, promotes the drive of dating dishonesty.
I had a friend years ago, who would tell a man whatever they wanted to hear on first dates because she was so desperate to be in a relationship. Over the years, she'd gotten lost in her cloud of desperation, lies and insecurities. At one point, she changed as a person. She was no longer the gal we all knew and loved, but the image of who she thought she should be in order to attract men who could eventually love her. However, her lies always caught up with her and the men would take off once they realized that she was spinning a web of deceit with them and for herself
Over the past couple of months, I've taken the road of truth to see if it would actually decrease, or increase, my chances in meeting men; to see if the game, sometimes shaded by lies, is really worth it or if it always leads to a dead end relationship. My answer is that it's all about the venue in which you're meeting people.
While I'm a fun-loving and outgoing gal, I also have a serious and passionate side that is completely driven by my heart (a.k.a. a Scorpio). I can tell you that no one wants to get serious at a bar, not when everyone is out to have a good time. On the flip side, I've found an appreciation for my savvy writing skills, sense of humor (as heard only through email), adventurous and serious sides online.
Even though scores of men won't admit that they're online for anything other than to meet women to sleep with (preservation of manlihood), they actually are there for the same reason as most women. So far it's the only time that I've been able to describe what kind of man I'm looking for, with precise detail, and who I really am, with some brutal honesty. In turn, I've met a number of high-quality candidates that I look forward to getting to know better.
Do not let your fear of “not being good enough” get in the way of opening yourself up to someone else. It's okay to highlight your best qualities. It is not okay to deceive others into believing you're someone you're not.
It's time to stop comparing ourselves to Hollywood studs and starlets, or those we think are more attractive, successful or smarter than us, and realize that we all have something true, unique and special to offer ourselves, our friends, our personal relationships and the world. Honesty is always the best policy.
• "Dating Games" appears the 1st and 15th of every month, exclusively in Lumino Magazine. E-mail Jennifer at jenfort@hotmail.com.
