A few months ago, she relocated for work. And since that time, she has observed that despite all of her friendly attempts – at some points, she says, overly-friendly attempts – her female coworkers refuse to warm up to her. In fact, they have more or less ostracized her from the social circle.

So I spent some time pondering the psychology behind her story: Why would women treat each other this way?

Most basically, it seems as though women are threatened by each other. No big surprise here. We judge each other on clothing, hairstyles, the number of times we say “like” in a sentence, hair color, make-up, and anything else imaginable. Usually, women judge each other in the following pattern: physically at first (“Look at that outfit”); then intellectually (“She is such a flake”); and in the end, they always judge each other emotionally (“She is so clingy”).

Conversely, men are usually outwardly, physically competitive. Men have no qualms about beating another man in a sport, letting lose any aggression and being openly competitive with each other, which all seems like a healthy expression of competitiveness to me. However, women become competitive on a subversive level. We have a psychologically-demeaning way of being diminutive to each other.

I am very guilty of this. I recall a phone conversation not too long ago with my best friend Mikey where he referred to some Hollywood actress as being hot; and my immediate rebuttal was, “Well yah, if you like your women anorexically thin.” Luckily, Mikey is the kind of guy who calls me out when I am being illogical. It is not as though his statement of hotness will make said skinny, Hollywood actress appear in front of him; will make her fall in love with him; and will make me forever feel threatened by her Melba-toast eating, Evian-drinking self.

That is how I react before I can consciously react: when I feel a woman is better looking than me, smarter than me or more capable than me, I have to find her fatal flaw to demote her to promote myself (even if this is only internal).

The long and the short of it is that women-demeaning-women seems to go against the feminist movement. That is to say, the feminist movement was about women having choices: one can choose to be a career woman, fighting her way up the corporate food chain; or one can choose to be a stay-at-home mother; or one can choose whatever degree of these she would like; or one can choose to go to outer space. But the strange thing about the way society (especially women) acts and reacts right now to women’s choices is non-supportive as if it isn’t about choices; society’s reaction is defensive.

I often hear myself saying, “Why can’t we all just get along?” in relation to many things happening in the world. And while I recognize that this is a simplified expression of day-to-day life, why can’t we all just get along? Why aren’t women working together rather than against each other?

More specifically, why wouldn’t a group of women help a new comer to fit into the culture, to show her the ropes and befriend her? I know that my friend Krystl isn’t some sort of enemy, usurping power and trying to steal her coworkers’ jobs. In fact, when she moved, she was excited about the opportunity, welcoming a change of pace and looking forward to new adventures. However, the hostile community that greeted her changed her mindset and now she is second-guessing her choice.

With all of my hopeful optimism, I make it my goal that instead of viewing the new girl’s shoes with jealousy and coveting them, that I say, “Hey, nice shoes.”

After all, if women are striving to make a difference in this world of choices, bonding together might be the glue we need to maintain our competitive spirits in light of all the other day-to-day battles people must face rather stomping on those choices of our fellow woman. And the quickest way to get there is a compliment.

• "A Single Serving" appears the 1st and 15th of every month, exclusively in Lumino Magazine. E-mail Melissa at m.koss@yahoo.com.

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