Over Memorial Day weekend my parents came to visit and the inevitable question of my impending singledom always arises over a quiet dinner at home, but lucky for me I prepared this year with a full fridge of alcohol. I felt it coming and this time I beat them to the punch as the discussion turned towards today’s chronic laziness, short attention spans and lack of loyalty and commitment in the workplace. Certainly I could work my latest theory into this conversation.
My parents grew up in the '40s and '50s, a time when black and white TV was still the norm, exciting entertainment was staying home to watch the Ed Sullivan Show, owning a TV was a privilege (let alone a car), girls, for the most part, still wore dresses everywhere, a man’s word was strong as oak, music was still recorded on 45s, to spend $20.00 to go out was outrageous, men had to work really hard just to get a kiss on a date and inappropriate behavior of the time seems laughable to us now. I bring this up because my father, falling right in to my trap, said that it was a time when men really worked hard for a girl they were interested in, and when an ethic of hard work could take you anywhere.
Bingo, Pop! I’m here to tell you that those days are long gone. I’ve reflected on some of the “better catches” in my life and wondered if my motto wasn’t “I don’t chase men”, whether they would still be around. Foolish I know, but something to consider; did I make them work so hard that they just wiped out, called it a day, packed up and moved on to someone “easier” or more romantically convenient?
I can sit here and say that men have become more and more lazy in dating over the last 50 years, or is it simply being opportunistic? In the wild, some animals eat meat because it’s dead and right in front of them, not because they’re carnivorous. They may actually be herbivores.
So, as so many unfulfilled and un-self-aware young women voluntarily throw themselves at men today, could it be that men are just “given a hall pass” for their behavior? I mean, really, why should men have to work to win a woman’s heart at all when the chicks are just lined up in front of them?
My friend "Carl" tells me stories about a younger friend Rob*, who constantly receives pictures on his cell phone of women he’s seeing – either they’re in bikinis, lingerie or nude. It’s as if these young and impressionable women believe that Rob will like them more if they degrade themselves, or throw themselves at him. No wonder men feel as if they can just sit back and do the choosing. In some ways, women have given them the control.
So the question is, why should men have to exert energy getting shut down by someone they really like, when they can have an automatic, guaranteed ego boost, and probably regular sex buddy, with someone who is so obviously willing to provide it? Is society partly responsible for encouraging our insecurities and sinful pride that we would rather settle for the easy way than toil the long road to achieve success in life, let alone a happy relationship?
Sadly, I believe that eventually the lack of work men are willing do to get the woman of their dreams may lead them to settle for a relationship that’s easy (also read easy t o get in bed), but not necessarily fulfilling. And...we ponder the many reasons why the divorce rate is so high.
On another “lazy plane” is my friend Ali, who met a guy when she first moved to Chicago. He lives in St. Louis and they, apparently, both fell head over heels. They began dating while he was staying in the Windy City for some project work and returned to St. Louis that fall. Then everything fell a part. Not once did he make plans to come visit her for four months, but he called every day. Not once did he go out of his way to do anything to show he wanted to be with her, and right when she was about to break up with him, he told her how much he cared for her. Huh? Now, they’re actually just friends with benefits living in her apartment while he’s here on project work again. He’s living for free, not paying rent, making beds or doing dishes – he claims he’s never made a bed in his life. He’s 40 years old. This is truly a lazy man who is the perfect example of someone who has settled for mediocre his entire life (she’s not guilt free either). If we allow men to be so lazy will they all just mooch off women and take advantage of our independence and achievements in the corner office?
Now, I truly understand that part of the blame for the increasing laziness in men falls upon the women who are so desperate to obtain the man that they will go to great lengths, with or without clothing, to win his heart; and who will fail to stand up for themselves when treated less then they deserve. The truth remains that some men see these women as fun, but not long-term relationship material. At the end of the day they may feel used, and that’s exactly what they’ve allowed men to do to them. Remember the saying “you show people how to treat you?” Men’s lazy and opportunistic ways will continue as long as women continue enabling their behavior.
For single women who laugh at the buffoons lazy men make of themselves (these men also happen to think that they are very cool), isn’t it worth retaining our self-dignity and waiting for the one who isn’t?
With sex so readily available there is no easy way to rewind men’s attitudes and behavior towards dating. My faith lays in the fact that one day these men will get tired and look for the one gal who challenges them, who makes them fall in love with her spunk, ingenuity, independence and inner strength. Plus, keeping my clothes on leaves more to the imagination.
• "Dating Games" appears the 1st and 15th of every month, exclusively in Lumino Magazine. E-mail Jennifer at jenfort@hotmail.com.
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Sigh...you are so right...
Written by Guest on 2007-02-19 12:57:43
American men seem to enjoy romantic relationships where low expectations rule. They also loathe women who become exhasted when it comes accepting mediocrity in their personal lives.
I would rather be alone than be with a man who thinks loving me fully is too much of a chore for him. |
Totally agree...
Written by Guest on 2007-03-29 03:35:58
It's sad but true. Wake Up Women!! |
