While this claim is illogical and unsubstantiated (that is, there are no confirmed cases of a man changing his sexual orientation after dating me), I got to thinking about the men I have dated and the women they’ve turned to after me.
For example, this morning on my daily walk to work, The Forgettable One (see “The Gentleman’s Bow Out”) was walking 10 paces in front of me with his girlfriend. He began dating her right after me; in fact, she was the reason we broke up. I have only seen her from the back, on the two or three occasions when I found myself in a similar predicament on our collective walks to work. Her backside, in fairness, is completely different than my backside. She is short, blond and wears her hair in pigtails. I have about five inches on her, am brunette, and only wear my hair in pigtails when no one else can see me.
Now, while this is hardly comparable to turning a man from women to men, is there some truth in Nick’s statement: When we are hurt, do we naturally run to the foil of the one who did the hurting? The Forgettable One traded brunette for blond, tall for short. Is it possible that I too have done this?
A while back, after a particularly nasty spill in love’s doorway, I put a list together with my girlfriend Emily as we retreated from our urban lives to her parents’ house on the lake. Like girlfriends will, we entitled the list “Melissa’s Sweet Thang Qualifications; a.k.a., Melissa’s Rules for Dating.” And my list was the antithesis of my recent ex.
Since then, I have made some minor modifications to my list of what I am looking for in the men I date. This list is not meant to be all inclusive or limiting, but is meant to remind me of why I have failed in the past, and what I have learned from my prior relationships. After all, I want to avoid history from repeating in nasty, hurtful ways.
First and foremost, I want a man who can make me laugh.
He needs to be honest. And the honesty needs to transcend to emotional, physical, and psychological levels of the relationship. More specifically, communication is key.
I do not want to be with someone who judges me for things I have done in the past, and I especially do not want to be with someone who uses my past against me. (Likewise, I would not use his past actions against him.)
He should be extremely secure and confident, but not cocky or vain.
He must not be frightened by my very loving, but very large, intrusive family. They are always around, and very protective.
He should not be a workaholic, but should have his priorities in line (i.e., I’m in top three, after his family and his friends, and work – he should be career-driven, but not let his career define him).
I want to be able to describe his physical appearance as "fine," as in "Damn! That boy fine."
All in all, my list of seven requirements hardly seems like a lot to ask for; it is just seven basic ideas of a good, honest, hardworking man.
My crusade for Mr. Right is different than my quest for the perfect little black dress – which should, one would think, make “shopping” for him easier than shopping for the little black dress. By this I mean that I do not have a picture in my mind’s eye of me in ten years, me in fifteen years with some tall, dark and handsome man. Rather, when I see myself, I have a blurry figure of a supportive man standing next to me, but I cannot see a physical manifestation of him.
Perhaps this is because a prior girlfriend “turned him gay.” Or perhaps, depressingly, I am not his Ms Right. Maybe he is actually looking for a shorter, blonder, pig-tail toting version of me.
And then, on my way home from work tonight, a black car pulled out in front of me and The Forgettable One and his blond girlfriend waved at me. In my head full of paranoia, I heard her ask, “So, why didn’t it work out between you two? She seems cute.” I imagined him responding, “Because I met you, baby.” And I realized that where he turned has absolutely nothing to do with me. He picked her because they were better suited.
• "A Single Serving" appears the 1st and 15th of every month, exclusively in Lumino Magazine. E-mail Melissa at m.koss@yahoo.com.
