Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn have been a long time committed couple for the last 23 years, much, much longer than most marriages; Johnny Depp is happy in France alongside girlfriend Vanessa Paradis and their two children; reality hit producer Mark Burnett moved in with the “heavenly” Roma Downey late last year; and it appears that Angelina isn’t interested in walking down the aisle at all with the father of her daughter, Brad Pitt.
We’ve long looked to celebrities to set trends – multiple marriages not being one of their best. They’ve always been the topic of societal obsession, and there have been cases when the public has taken their personal breakups, well, personally. While we shouldn’t necessarily look to them to save the institution of marriage, maybe some of them are actually on to something that is creating longer lasting partnerships.
Sociologists have said for years that the state of marriage is unnatural for humans. So how did we get here and why do we continue to pursue it? We could save thousands of dollars and resentment from friends in puffy-sleeved, Pepto-Bismol pink dresses.
Binding relationships initially were set to perpetuate the human species and a ceremony was developed later on by the Catholic Church to mark it as a spectical. Except for the last 50 years or so, marriage, for women, was one of the only options for survival. Author Jane Austen writes about it clearly in her books set in the early to mid-1800’s. In “Pride & Prejudice” the five daughters of a very middle-class man have but only one hope to secure their future and that is to marry. If they don’t select a man who has a good income, or if they don’t marry at all before their father dies they will be left with nothing. Women during that time were not considered legal heirs to property and there were no jobs suitable. Obviously wealth was considered over love. Austen’s books were unique for the time because she did also believe in marrying for love.
For most immigrants marriage meant children and children meant non-paid hands to work on the farm. The more the better. In the 20th Century marriage became synonymous with sex. The whole “wait until you’re married to have sex” phrase that only encouraged millions of teens and young adults to explore free love, drugs and STDs. Eventually it also led to a large number of teenage mothers and unwanted pregnancies. Whose idea was it to try for abstinence over education?
Today, I believe that the ideals of marriage do exist in all of us, but we’re so afraid of adding to the growing divorce statistic and screwing up our kids that we run like hell from the face of marriage and all it can bring, including love, a safety zone and family. It seems so simple for one has to ask why we need the pomp and circumstance of marriage to achieve these three things. Maybe we have it all wrong; we need to change our focus.
Believe it or not, there is a small ethnic group called Mosuo living in Yinnan and Sichuan Provinces of China, close to the border of Tibet and outside of Shangri-La, that Han Chinese writers, centuries ago, called the “Country of Women”. Today it’s called “The Kingdom of Women” and boy is it ever. Imagine a matriarchal society in a country where policies have always favored boys over women, and that places no real value on marriage. Women have sexual freedom and opening receive lovers.
Musuo live with, and are dedicated to their, large families. Women are the head of the house, property is passed through women and they tend to make all business decisions. Unlike Western women, the Musuo women do not believe in marriage, but in mutual love and affection. They have the opportunity to take many lovers (who come to the woman’s house at night and leave for their own home in the morning – called a “walking marriage”).
While the truth of how these people live their lives is complicated, as is anyone’s life for that matter, the irony exists in their choice not to marry. In turning away from the institution the Musuo, in most cases, end up in very long lasting relationships, even lasting for a lifetime. Granted they never live together and their lives are essentially separate. This form of “serial monogamy” seems like marriage without the license, but the Musuo’s constant focus is on family as a whole, sisters, grandmothers, aunts.
Without the pressure of getting married the Musuo actually select better life partners. These women actually laugh at the idea of marriage.
In the Western world our perception that everyone should be in a loving relationship that results in marriage can be enough to drive us all a bit crazy. Thank goodness my mother stopped asking me about my dating life and making me feel like crap because “so and so” from high school just had her third child before she was 30. We all desire to find the right person who makes us want to be faithful and loving for the rest of our lives, but the fear of making the wrong choice and the idea that divorce is failing scare us into building walls and running away.
Some may say monogamy is unnatural, but I truly believe that humans are all drawn to coupledom and that one person or place they can always turn to. I can’t help but wonder what would happen if we could let go of the intense peer pressures to marry a “suitable” candidate and allow ourselves to just be….in relationships and focus on what’s really valuable about that connection. It’s possible we
I, personally, have faith in marriage, but I also believe that it isn’t for everyone. I’m not saying that Goldie and Kurt or even the Musuos have the answer, but it is time to remove the stress and pressure of “having to get married”. I admit, women are the biggest culprits, but we need to release ourselves from it. If marriage to you is all about the wedding day, than you need to take a big step back. What finding your life partner is about is the long-term relationship you share, not pigs in a blanket versus ham croquettes.
Finding your life partner is the tough part, when you find it enjoy it, and allow yourselves to determine the path that is right for both of you. But it would be nice to live where women are in complete and total power!
• "Dating Games" appears the 1st and 15th of every month, exclusively in Lumino Magazine. E-mail Jennifer at jenfort@hotmail.com.
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help
Written by Guest on 2007-02-07 03:05:22
  i really love him so much but not able to understand do he too love me i caqnt live with out him |
