I know.

It has taken me a long time to accept the fact that life does indeed go on without twice-weekly editions of American Idol or the half-hour time killer that is Laguna Beach. There are a few major stumbling blocks on the way to such an acceptance- and you may have heard of them: denial, anger, grief, etc. Yes, the loss of cable is a hard one to get over. But, like most losses, the pain fades in time. And life does go on, in both mundane and surprisingly interesting ways. And I know you’re curious to know what those ways are- just what does a person do when their Thursday nights are relieved from The O.C.? Don’t worry- I’ve taken the time to prepare this list in advance (my loss of cable has, among other things, given me excellent time management skills. I’m working on mind-reading ability next).

So here it is- a brief (well, not really brief, as I do have a lot of cable-free time on my hands) list of things to do when free from the all-consuming ties of cable TV. And note that I’ve left off the obvious- spend time with family, volunteer at a soup kitchen, blah blah blah. I’m going to assume that most of you do that anyway, and are instead looking for things to do that are about as pointless, time-wasting and actively involving of brain cell matter as watching Flavor of Love.

1.) Think up fun things to do with your college diploma. It is, after all, probably the most expensive item you own, and unless you’re one of those people that went out to have it custom framed and mounted on your wall, your diploma is probably in exactly the same place mine is. Sitting under a pile of crap in a desk drawer, ink safely preserved from sun exposure. But what fun is that? Think of all the cool things you could do with that $20,000 piece of paper that you won’t have paid off until you’re coloring your hair every two weeks to cover the grays. For one, you could take it to Kinko’s and make teeny tiny copies that you could laminate and pass out to people in place of a business card. This would be especially funny if you’re still unemployed. Or, you could take those copies and put them towards home decorating. Homemade Chinese lantern anyone? Or how about a paper mache donkey? That’ll kill three hours of cable-free time right there.

2. Have a mini-movie marathon. OK, I’m actually serious about this one. Movie marathons are a great way to spend an evening- especially if they have a theme. You should title your marathons too. For example, on ‘Screw the dentist- I’m purposely rotting my teeth tonight night’ you can rent both the 1971 and the recently released versions of Willy Wonka (no word as to which one is obviously better, although a little debate on this subject could liven up the evening as well), and watch both movies while gorging yourself on sugary goodness. We’re talking sampling the whole gamut of the candy industry here- from Junior Mints to circus peanuts. The ideas for mini-movie marathons are endless- from violence-laden Halloween Tarantino-a-thons to prom-and-taffeta John Hughes inspired 80s’ nights. And if you’re lazy, you can always have Netflix set something up for you.

3. Ride the bus to a stop you don’t know. Yeah, it’s crazy. And yeah, the first time I did this was not so much on purpose as because I wasn’t really paying attention and wound up so far from my planned destination that I couldn’t even find my location on a map. (Note to self: buy better map). But the adventures that can come from stepping off the bus onto unknown sidewalks? They’re very real. You could discover new restaurants, new movie theaters, even a whole new set of homeless people asking you for change. This city is huge, so go ahead- mix it up.

4. Go alone to see a movie that you’d be too embarrassed to admit to seeing. I started this tradition when I first had a desire to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants but couldn’t bring myself to ask anyone to come with me. But what started as an embarrassing and potentially reputation-damaging endeavor turned out to be a lot of fun. Try going to the movies by yourself (and at matinee prices too- hey, if you’re too cheap to buy cable, you’re probably too cheap for the regular evening show). It’s fun to get completely lost in the anonymous dark while enjoying the cinematic greatness of the second Jackass movie or a Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy. And nobody has to know.

5. Cultivate an unhealthy addiction to Internet shopping. Straight from the frying pan into the fire. Or something like that. What better way to get over your unhealthy addiction to cable TV than to transfer your energies to an equally brain-dissolving timewaster? Only the possibilities with the Internet are endless, so this is a potentially dangerous route to take. Maybe even more so than getting off your bus at a stop you don’t know. No amount of pepper spray can save you from maxing out your credit card at Amazon.com. But getting those brown boxes full of stuff delivered just to you within 3-5 business days? That’s a greater high than watching Nicole Ritchie fall hair-extension-first in the mud while trying to milk a goat.

6. Rediscover the phone. Since I updated my plan to include ‘Whenever minutes’ (thank you T-Mobile and Catherine Zeta-Jones), I have spent a lot of time that was formerly directed to absorbing I Love the 80’s on VH1 to reconnecting with distant family and friends. I know- actual people aren’t as quippy as Michael Ian Black, but chances are you’ll gain a lot from reconnecting to the human race, even if it’s through a handheld, potentially brain-tumor-causing device. Not since middle school have I dedicated so much time to night-long phone conversations, and now I can’t really remember why I ever stopped…oh yeah, The Real World was on…

7. Broaden your cultural horizons with gallery tours and book readings and such. You know, just to throw that out there.

Note to readers: I have offered these suggestions as alternatives to cable television, but employing these does not give you the right in any way to be one of those people who says, at parties or at the bar or in the office, “you know, I just don’t watch a lot of TV. I just find myself with so much to do that I don’t have time for it, and it’s not that interesting, etc. etc.” If you say this, you are probably either a freak or a liar. Either way, it’s just f'ing annoying. So get off your moral pedestal, Judgy McJudgerson, and stop pretending that you’re above the rest of us TV-watching masses. Because although I have painstakingly laid out this entire list of alternatives to cable, that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t rather be sitting in front of a TV, sucking in its glorious mind-obliterating rays at this very moment. Great, now I’ve worked my way backwards from ‘acceptance’ to ‘anger.’ Awesome- time to go ride the bus to nowhere again.

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