Misleading? Perhaps. Because while my university did provide me with an extremely varied education, requiring that at least 50% of my classes be outside of my chosen field of study, I’m not so sure that the variety has helped me in any way post-graduation. Let’s take a brief rundown on some of my required “electives,” each costing $250 a pop.
Astronomy
Meteorology
Nutrition (Okay, some things from this have stuck. Apparently, drinking your body weight in Diet Coke every week isn’t “healthy.”)
Abnormal Psychology
Shotgunning Beer (Yeah, not really a class. But this hasn’t come in handy in the real world, either.)
U.S. History 1450-1700
Latin Dance (For two months I could salsa. I can’t now.)
And really, I can sort of see the point: who doesn’t want to know how to tell a cumulus from a stratus cloud, or be able to diagnose bipolar disorder in their roommates? I’m not saying these things aren’t useful. I’m merely suggesting that there are a few courses that, in retrospect, may have been more useful. And when the day comes that I open my own university (you’ll know when I send you a brochure in the mail), these are sure as hell going to be on the curriculum:
Small Machine Troubleshooting 101
Course description: Offered in the computer lab, this course will teach the basic mechanics of copiers, printers and fax machines. Students will learn how to load toner without spilling a mountain of black powder all over the white office carpet, how to read and solve simple mechanical errors without letting out a stream of expletives, and how to load oversized paper successfully.
Course materials: “Zen and the art of fax machine maintenance,” by Hector Schmitt; “Please Realign: The Hidden Language of Copiers,” by V.V. Geezer; and “Why Yelling at Inanimate Objects is Probably Not the Way to Convince People You’re Sane,” by Dr. Phil McGraw.
Advanced Checkbook Balancing 305
Course description: For the student with a fourth grade level grasp of addition and subtraction, this course provides simulation bank accounts and balance books to teach the pitfalls of overdrawing, ATM fees and very, very late overdue notices.
Course materials: “Checkbook Basics-Why Owning a Calculator Helps,” by Leon McSarcastic; “Grouchy Bank Tellers and How to Prove to Them That Your Math Adds Up While Theirs Clearly Doesn’t,” by Chester LaRue; and “I Know it Looks Bad, But Credit Cards are Not the Answer,” by Vanilla Ice.
Basic Interior Design
Course description: This course provides students with a basic understanding of how to decorate a dwelling post-graduation in a way that will keep them from looking like a 24-year-old douche with Carmen Electra posters on the ceiling.
Course materials: “What the Hell is a Duvet Cover? And Other Questions You Thought You’d Never Hear Yourself Ask” by Merle Walters; “What Not to Buy at a Garage Sale: a Complete List,” by Pearl Walters; and “How to Entertain With Only a Mismatched Shot Glass Collection, Half a Bottle of Schnapps, Two Forks and a Rubber Band,” co-written by Martha Stewart and McGyver.
Intermediate Hardware Usage 201
Course description: This course provides a hands-on approach for students looking to learn basic home maintenance skills. Not to be confused with Flat Tires and Dead Batteries 201.
Course materials: “Why You Should Not Hammer a Screw Into a Plaster Wall,” by Dr. Lourning Th’hardway; “That’s a Flathead, Son: a Phillips Guidebook,” by Mr. Phillips; and “Basic First Aid,” by John Johnson.
Intro to Office Politics
Course description: This course provides students with the basic skills to maneuver with real, slightly dysfunctional people in the real, slightly dysfunctional world in order to “get things done.” Also doubles as credit for Abnormal Psychology 201.
Course materials: “How to Deal With Gossip in Junior High,” by Dr. Laura Tween; “Your Boss Isn’t Staring at You, He Just Has a Lazy Eye: How Misreading People Can Complicate the Workplace,” by H.R. Violation; and “Inappropriate Office Behavior,” by Mark Foley.
Basic Apartment Hunting
Course description: Offers students basic tips and guidelines to ensure that their post-graduate homes won’t double as crack dens. With follow-up 8-week session on how to not get screwed by a leasing company.
Course materials: “Signing Your Life Away,” by Shady Morrison; “No Paint, No Parties, No Pets,” by Roger Killjoy; and “Why do My Heating Vents Smell Like Cheese?” by Dr. I. Reelly Scruudya, Ph.D.
Can’t you see now how these courses would not only broaden your education, but also prepare you for the real world? I myself wish that I had such preparation. In fact, this article was originally twice as long, but the second half was lost in a computer malfunction that I don’t have the patience to figure out. Hell, throw in a course on Microsoft Excel, and these classes are all I would have needed to land my current position in the real world. I’d take that over Astronomy any day. I probably wouldn’t opt out of Shotgunning Beer, however. How else could I have advanced to Half-Barrel Keg Standing?
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totally agree!
Written by Guest on 2006-11-10 12:43:40
you crack me up |
Portage Guest
Written by Guest on 2006-11-10 13:08:43
Florida didn't drain off your brain cells...nice article!! |
U forgot Home-eek
Written by Guest on 2006-11-11 10:50:53
Foraging at Jewel & How to Prepare ur Finds 101
"Why beer & cheese wiz is not a balanced diet"
which most guys need - followed by
Cleaning the Fridge 102
"When green is not good" |
What Your Mother Forgot To Say...
Written by Guest on 2006-11-13 19:54:55
Great article! Many of those things should have been taught to you by your mother... she will work harder in future to ensure your knowledge of life skills increases!! |
What your Dad had to fix
Written by Guest on 2006-11-19 09:36:09
Installing a radiator in a pick up truck 101....
Dent repair 102
Flat tire repair 103
Not getting ticketed for the accident...
PRICELESS!!
Love you, Dad |
Angry
Written by Guest on 2006-11-28 16:09:57
I actually am very bitter and angry at school for not teaching this, and finances, and marriage, etc. Education sucks. |
WOW!
Written by Guest on 2008-03-14 13:43:45
Your article was awesome and ohhhhh so true! It is amazing how so many can agree with these things, but nothing in the education system EVER CHANGES!!
Rock On!!
xoxo - lys |
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Written by Guest on 2008-06-18 17:03:35
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