It’s also a time to let go of past dating disasters and hurt. But I often wonder how much we can actually let go of and how much sticks around to taint our dating lives. On a positive note we’ve learned a lot about what we are and are not looking for in a partner. I hope.
Looking ahead we have to be brave enough to peek behind us at all the things that factor in to our current dating status, single. Some people feel more comfortable brushing it all under the carpet, but denying our past mistakes, and triumphs, can leave us blind to ourselves and, in turn, leave us repeating the same dating behavior.
Sigmund Freud has a theory that suggests we look for our parents in the opposite sex. For example, I am supposedly looking to date someone like my father. Scary thought.
I often have a rocky relationship with my father. The last thing I want to do is end up in a rocky relationship with a man I’m dating or even one day marry. My mother says that the problem is that my father and I are too much a like. He was very good looking in his prime, something I hope I inherited a little bit of. Really, though, both of us have strong wills (something he, ironically, instilled in my sisters and I along with a strong work ethic) but I do not share a lot of his qualities and I don’t actively look for them in someone else. Instead, I run at the first sign of them.
Top that off with a psycho ex and a series of cheaters and you can say that I have a past that should just be easily forgotten, not calculated into any dating equation, and give myself the chance to start anew.
It’s not to say that my father is a bad person. I can easily blame past boyfriends for much of the scarring and damage they’ve marked me with. While my father never gave my mother a diamond, other than the one she wears on her left hand, he tries to be thoughtful and is very giving to those in need. When he was ready to cash in on his suburban and get a new car, he thoughtfully asked their neighbor if she was in need of a four-wheel drive vehicle to get up and down the snowy mountain roads. To this day she has still not paid off the minimal expense for the vehicle, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He knows that it helped to make someone else’s life easier. This is a quality I look for in all people.
My father is also a man of the utmost character, morals and ethics. After all, he is a Baby Boomer and back then a handshake was a man’s word. More qualities I look for in all people. He grew up in a time where TV shows presented the year 2000 as “Lost in Space” and other sci-fi driven primetime programming that was countered by “Gun Smoke”. I see that he struggles with today’s generations’ trend of going back on commitments and leaving other people hanging. This is a quality I don’t respect in anyone.
My dad also has the amazingly magical capability to turn a penny into $10,000. A spend-thrift quality I would very much like to have. Instead, I can take the look of a designer outfit from Vogue and find similar bits and pieces for much less all over town. It’s worth the hunt. The thrill of the kill is part of the fun. Hey, it’s something.
The bottom line is that my father and I clash, often. I know relationships are hard work, but being miserable has never been part of my idea of a life partner. So, while I respect much of who he is, I don’t subscribe to ‘Ol Siggy’s theory. And I can’t say that this experience in my life has not made it harder for me to overlook certain characteristics in people that remind me of those I don’t appreciate in him. I’m sure there have been many a man who I’ve discarded for simple traits that make me believe more is to come, but if I’d stuck around I would have found that isn’t true.
So the past lingers for me, like you, within who I am today. There are a lot of positive things there too, which have made me a smarter, stronger and more sensitive person (not read as I cry at Hallmark card commercials). I’ve become less willing to put up with a lot of things (read: I typically catch most of the red flags) and don’t care to waste my time with people who are not on the same playing field with me. Maybe it’s intolerance. Maybe I’m afraid of going down the same paths time and again so I steer so far around them that the odds of me going down any new and correct path are nil to zero. We all reach this point every now and again.
I can personally attest to the challenge of overcoming a scorned self-confidence and the things and people I’ve experienced in this life who’ve left a mark on me. And I do look at every year as a new beginning for myself. The key is actually taking the action to forgive, forget, stop beating yourself up over it and begin looking at the new opportunities that present themselves every day.
Most importantly, don’t let other people define who you are and where you’re going. So you really liked the person and they haven’t called to ask you out again. It is what it is and you’re better off embarking on a path with someone who wants to be with you than someone who doesn’t. One thing my dad always says is “Don’t let the bastards get you down”. And don’t let them tell you who you are. We are fortunate enough to live in a place where anything and everything is possible. I mean if Donald Trump can get out of $250 million debt and end up with a reality show on NBC, then we’re all bound to find our life partners and begin to rewrite our own history and future.
It’s up to you to decide whether you will be motivated enough to pick yourself up after the let downs of 2006 and instead choose to remember the best times. These are the positive pieces of life that drive us toward the future with hope. Make everyday the best day and watch how your renewed spirit and attitude can open up doors to relationships.
• "Dating Games" appears first and third Mondays of every month, exclusively in Lumino Magazine. E-mail Jennifer at jenfort@hotmail.com.
