Giraldo has been to Chicago several times and is fond of the city. “I’ve been there a bunch…I love Chicago. I love performing in Chicago. I just wish somebody would open a club in Chicago. That would be nice. I’ve been to Pheasant Run and Schaumburg and Vernon Hills and Milwaukee. All the satellite rooms.” When reminded that he was going to be performing in the suburbs again, Giraldo said, “Cosmopolitan Schaumburg… I’ve heard [the Improv] is cavernous and you feel like a failure. I was kind of excited about my big trip to Chicago and then realized I was going to be in a mall. I’m going to drink in the real flavor of the town. If you had to hang in the food court, where would you go mostly?” He also took some time to ruminate on roots. “Stay away from the bubble teas. You shouldn’t be eating reconstituted root. I didn’t know that till just the other day. I was craving tapioca and I bought some tapioca and I was trying to explain to my children…There’s really no reason to be eating it except for the texture, which seems like a shallow reason to be eating a fruit.” The comment about fruit texture brought the conversation to the durian, a supposedly custardy fruit that is the most delicious food known to man, assuming one can get past the smell. “I’ve had durian. It’s beyond bearable. It’s unbearably bad. It really does smell and tastes like shit. Well, I mean I don’t know if it tastes like shit.” So you’ve never tasted it? “Well, I did taste it but I’ve never tasted shit.” Touché, Mr. Giraldo.

Back on the subject of Chicago, Giraldo admitted that he doesn’t often go out anymore when in town. “I used to drink a lot. I used to just bounce around. I like that Chicago bars are open really late. I used to end up in Kingston Mines, and around all the bars downtown where Zanies is. What [neighborhood] is that? Gay town? I just call it gay town because of my own personal behaviors.” When asked if he misses drinking, Geraldo said “Yes. Sure. Why not?” Although, he didn’t quit just because he got married eight years ago. “It’s a whole series of events. It’s never as simple as it appears,” he said, seeming somewhat serious for a moment.

On an apparently more laughable note, at least to Giraldo, the discussion turned to his favorite current comedians, besides himself. “There are so many hugely successful, horrible comedians right now that it’s a very devastating question,” he said, laughing. “I’m trying to think of a funny answer. Pauly Shore probably…I’ve never seen his standup but I do like that [Weasel] character of his.”

Giraldo, in a somewhat self-deprecating way, discussed how comedians only like pretty girls. “Was he nice to you?” he asked, referring my recent interview with Pauly Shore. “You must be hot then. I’m not hitting on you but when a comedian is particularly nice to somebody in person…” Giraldo trailed off. He continued, “not me though because I’m nice to everybody 'cause that’s how I roll and I’ve given up on the hope of ever making it.” According to Giraldo’s website, he was originally supposed to be in Chattanooga at the same time he was performing in Chicago. “That highlights the fucking professionalism of the team that I have surrounding me and maybe will shed some light on why I’m such a fucking abject failure at this point in my career that I can’t even get the retards that work with me to change the fucking tour dates on my website.” However, by the tone of his voice, it almost seemed as though Giraldo handles his website all on his own.

Giraldo has no problem meeting fans after his shows. “It’s a nice thing to do to get the CD out and they can share with friends. The next time you come back into town you get a following that way. But if the CD’s don’t get there, I’ll still be out chit chatting with everybody. It’s a lot harder when you’re not drinking, but I still like to pretend I’m at a wedding.”

Giraldo has no problem performing in front of crowds. His biggest event ever was an audience of about 50,000, at the Gator Growl in Florida. “The University of Florida does its annual pep rally kind of thing and the night before they do a giant standup kind of thing. There were about 50,000 people there. That was cool. Fifty-thousand drunk people and three sober ones.” Was he one of the sober ones? “Yeah, I think so, while the show was going on anyway. Drunk with power, though!” Giraldo yelled, laughing wickedly.

Giraldo’s professional life seems to be filled with a series of pilot TV shows that don’t go anywhere, save for his short-lived show “Friday Night with Greg Giraldo.” “That was sort of a consolation prize type of thing because I didn’t develop any other projects that couldn’t get on the air for one reason of another,” Giraldo said. “So we did that so we could be on the air doing anything even though that’s not what I wanted to be working on. I had another project, which we finished with, a show dealing with sex called “Adult Content with Greg Giraldo. And I was told I’d be going but as of now we still haven’t heard. It’s day to day, that kind of thing. But that would be nice if I got on the air with Comedy Central. But otherwise, it’s probably the Food Channel and the Travel show and then probably just selling knives. I’ll probably go on the knife show and sell some knives. Some knives or maybe a line of jewelry or a fragrance because those are pretty big right now.” What would his fragrance smell like? “It would smell like monkey urine,” Giraldo said. “I’ll call it ‘Greoire’ because it has to be French and it’s loaded with monkey piss, which is loaded with pheromones, which I’m sure you know right?” he said, laughing. Umm, not really, Greg.

On the topic of his family, Giraldo explained why his official biography lists him as the father of three children he believes to be his own. “I’m still going with that. I’m pretty sure. The youngest looks nothing like me but my wife assures me that he is mine, but I don’t even really care at this point. But if it turns out that he’s not, I can go on Maury. He’s the one that does the DNA testing now, and I’ll go to Maury and if he’s not mine, it’s just one giant get out of jail free card for me. I’ll still raise him but I’ll be morally free to do whatever the hell I want. That’s how it works. In a way, I’m looking forward to finding out he’s not mine.”

After discussing the diapered astronaut of recent news fame, Laundromat comedy, and having someone in Giraldo’s house begin dialing the phone while we were still on it, Giraldo commented on the recent argument between Carlos Mencia and Joe Rogan, where Rogan accused Mencia of stealing other comedians’ jokes. “I’m all for both of their issues,” Giraldo said. “And I support each one of them wholeheartedly in their pursuit of their ultimate goal of satisfaction and happiness in the above referenced matter. I’m not actually up to the day to day thievery that Mencia is accused of but I like Joe Rogan a lot and I’m sure that he’s right and it’s nice to see him take a stand on this shit. I don’t like Mencia or dislike him. I don’t know him that well. He’s pleasant enough. I don’t give a shit about him, to tell you the truth. I can’t stand his stand up…Except for the stuff that he stole. That I do like.”

As the meandering and nearly illogical conversation came to a close, Giraldo discussed his new-found love of practicing guitar and also warned against ping pong tables. “Ping pong is a big source of stress. Don’t rent them out to people, because that is just a pain in the ass for me to try to focus when there’s a random string of people trying to compete in ping pong and a lot of them are Asian and I’m not racist in any way but they’re sneaky people.” When asked for a final comment, Giraldo said, “Stay in school and crack is whack. That’s mostly what I try to leave the kids with.”

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