I once had a suitor who I met through a friend. At first I liked him - good sense of humor, cute, seemed intelligent and on top of things. He called a few weeks later and asked me out for a drink that night (mind you, he called just hours before). When I turned him down, because I'm a believer that proper dates should be planned in advance, he sent me a text the very next day about the same time and asked if I wanted to get a drink that night. I turned him down again, but this time I actually had plans. It happened again, and seeing that I don't give up weekend nights for dates unless it's the second or third date, I turned him down again.
He called about a week later and it was one of those weeks where I was working long hours and had events every night. I was also planning on taking a trip that weekend so I didn't get around to calling him again until the night before I left. He was bone chillingly cool and noted that he wasn't used to being blown off. I said to myself, “Forget this! I've had one hell of a week and I don't need to put up with his crap too”. So I ended the conversation thinking I would never hear from him again.
Talking with my girlfriend later, I told her that I was through with her friend primarily because he had shown all of his weaknesses up front - insecurity, lack of ability to plan a date, and hence his lack of respect for another's life and time, and his inability to just “play it cool”. Now, I know these may sound ridiculous but his actions, or lack there of, really told me a lot about him as a person and I just lost interest. He was lazy and immature on top of all these things. My girlfriend supported my decision and told me I wasn't crazy.
A few weeks later, he called again! This time he was upbeat and trying to bribe me with dinner to answer some questions he had about an event he was throwing for a friend. I tried to cover as much of it over the phone as possible, thinking that my time is too valuable to spend an evening with someone I'm not in to. At the end he brought up dinner again, and I told him I was too busy that week so he should check in with me the following week. I began to wonder how long I could hold him off before I had to tell him the truth. It was becoming inevitable.
The truth is that I was very busy with my career at the time and would rather spend time working or with friends than with him. It is a brutal determination that we've all reached multiple times while dating. It's never easy to let someone down, especially someone who's emotional stability crumbled at the mere allusion of being dumped.
So I continued to turn him down, which made him return again for more, never giving up. Ugh! This was going to be ugly. Eventually I took more time in between returning his calls and the entire situation faded.
I often wonder if he would have been able to redeem himself. Was it even possible?
I hear stories all the time about people who didn't like each other when they first met and then got married, or those who were in a similar situation as I where the man continued to work to get the woman's attention and finally won her heart. Yet, I've always been the type that once I've set my mind to something there is no going back. I just saw this guy as a nuisance. Someone I wished would just go away so I could concentrate my time on men I was really interested in.
I don't know what it would have taken for the guy to redeem himself in my eyes, but I have a feeling it would have had to be grandiose and purely manly.
The irony is that when I feel a man isn't interested in me I completely back off and move on - “Next!” I've never taken that risk to see if I was able to change a man's heart and mind towards me, so I should have respect for the guy for making the effort and not giving up.
At the end of the day I can't wonder if things would have, could have been different, but instead I trusted my innate dating (read: mating) instincts. I saw a weak suitor and I brushed him off to make room for a stronger competitor who did everything right in every way. Our instincts are powerful and lead us to make the best decisions in order to find someone similar to us, who meets our individual needs, can take care of us and to procreate healthy offspring.
Whether this man would have been able to redeem himself is a non-issue because I believe I would have always seen him as the weaker choice. In reality he just wasn't the match for me. So as I reflect on my dating life I hope that he meets a match suitable for him in every way. As for me, I continued on the prowl.
• "Dating Games" appears first and third Mondays of every month, exclusively in Lumino Magazine. E-mail Jennifer at jenfort@hotmail.com.
