|
In movies, like many other facets of life, we find ourselves reveling in a time that we've passed by, trumpeting films of the past and the actors in them. It's ok if you weren't born when Nicholson attempted to escape the Cuckoo's nest, or when Newman gorged himself on one too many hard boiled eggs as Cool Hand Luke. It doesn't matter, because those films will always be there waiting for you and future generations to discover. Hollywood it seems doesn’t necessarily agree. With the constant barrage of film remakes in full throttle. In the coming years it will only become more prevalent, with remakes of Clash of the Titans, The Thing, and Escape from New York, all rumored to be green lit and set for production. No doubt a host of other classics are going to meet a similar fate.
Are these remakes even worthy of their classic counterparts? No, usually they are not. Just ask Gus Van Sant how much he enjoyed remaking Psycho. He'll probably say, "The film was never given a chance." To which you are forced to respond by immediately spitting on the floor in front of him and cursing in a foreign language. Or ask any one whoever enjoyed the original Get Carter starring Michael Caine to watch the Stallone remake. If they don't throw up and burst into tears simultaneously while viewing this travesty, I will personally give them one dollar.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes remakes are on the money, and they can be a great movie going experience. However, re-creating the past by copying it doesn't always work. More often than not, it just waters down the whole medium. Just like the mom and pop store closing down due to the Wal-Mart next door, big budget remakes and attempts at old favorites will always bring in the crowd, especially when they're showing on multiple screens at every movie theatre in the universe, but that little gem that was the original is lost in all of this, it’s legacy tarnished by a mediocre and careless retelling of its story.
It's simple, for a lot of folks the stars make the movie. Maybe, it's a tiny synapse in our brain that connects us with these actors. Maybe the actor reminds us of another guy we watched on beta in our parent’s living room years ago. Now we watch the new star acting just like that old star, he's even got the same problems, except this time there's a green screen, and one hundred million dollars invested, and it's PG. Of course the remake is going to look better, but does it have the soul the original had? Did you get the same thrill watching the super high definition version on a 160 inch screen in surround sound, as you did watching that choppy beta version on the 25 inch screen all those years ago?
Let's take a look at six originals and their controversial remakes. You decide which film is better. I'll do my best to make the decision as biased as possible!
Why six, you ask? I'm trying to be original, damn it...
6. Original: The Poseidon Adventure (1972): One of the first and best disaster movies ever made. "Hell, upside down" is in huge letters at the top of the original movie poster. That's pretty groovy. It's as much campy fun as a giant ship being overturned in the ocean can be.
Remake: Poseidon (2006): They even ruined the title of this movie, but there is a certain truthful irony to it. "The Adventure" was definitely taken out of the movie, as was every ounce of enjoyment. Originals 1, Remakes 0
5. Original: Shaft (1971): Maybe the greatest theme music for asskickery ever. Richard Roundtree fought black gangs and white mobsters as Shaft, all the while keeping it real.
Remake: Shaft (2000): Ok, the film has got Samuel L. Jackson going for it, not to mention Christian Bale and Jeffrey Wright as the baddies. So it's not all bad. In fact it's actually good, but let’s get serious, when you hear Issac Hayes sing the Shaft theme song, do you picture Rountdtree with his cool hair in all his seventies era glory? Or do you picture a bald-headed Samuel L Jackson walking down New York streets in the year 2000? Look within yourself for the answer. Originals 2, Remakes 0
4. Original: Dawn of the Dead (1978): George Romero's horrifying and spectacular zombies-in-a-mall masterpiece. It was an allegory for consumerism and a creepy gore fest all rolled into one. Everyone loves zombies, right?
Remake: Dawn of the Dead (2004): Fast zombies... You heard right. They made the zombies fast. There are certain things that should never be done; robots should never be vampires, clowns should never be monkeys, and zombies should never, ever be fast. It defeats the whole purpose of the film. If you're surrounded by zombies, and they outnumber you greatly, at least you know that you may have a shot at escape because they're so damn slow. But if you make them sprinter-fast as well as being undead, well then you've got no chance at all. It was a stupid mistake, no doubt made by stupid people. Originals 3, Remakes 0
3. Original: The Pink Panther (1963): As Inspector Clouseau, Peter Sellers was so hilariously unaware. Slapstick comedy at it's best.
Remake: The Pink Panther (2006): You know that uncle who constantly does mediocre and annoying impressions at every holiday gathering. That's Steve Martin in this craptastic remake. There was no need to do this. Yet they did it. It's similar to buying a classic car in mint condition, and then putting those hip new spinning chrome rims on it.
What purpose does that serve? None... and the people who perpetrate these sorts of deeds are sick. Originals 4, Remakes 0
2. Original: King Kong (1933): Unbelievable special effects... For 1933, this is a movie classic that's close to the hearts of every fan boy. Skull Island, a fifty foot gorilla fighting dinosaurs, a damsel in distress, and the Empire State building. Can there be more cool stuff in a single film? No, there cannot; the world would fold in on itself if there was. This is the greatest amount of coolness ever to be stuffed into one film. To try and get more coolness into anything is to tempt the ancient angry gods.
Remake: King Kong (2005): This movie will convince you that giant Gorillas, with soft spots for blondes really do exist. This version of Kong is the single most profound argument in favor of remaking films... Originals 4, Remakes 1
1. Original: Planet of the Apes (1968): This film achieved cult classic status as a fun oddity and a strange critique of our society. It was a bizarre film, which had Charleston Heston kissing apes and cursing to the heavens. Also, an awesome but obvious twist at the end that will always be remembered fondly.
Remake: Planet of the Apes (200)1: Tim (I'm an artist) Burton decided to get really cool looking ape costumes, make everything “darker,” and ruin a classic flick. He made sure to leave out most of the fun weird factor the original had, and replaced it with Mark Wahlberg and a boring, overly serious script. Whoever green lit this stinker should be immediately arrested and thrown in jail. Electric chair? Possibly. Originals 5, Remakes 1
Give me a moment and I will add up the score with my trusty geek calculator... That's five to one in favor of the originals! Let that be a lesson to all of you deep-pocketed movie studios out there! Come up with your own damn ideas, and leave our classics alone! |
Gloria Goodman
Written by Guest on 2007-05-16 06:17:17
You missed out The Trouble With Charlie the remake of Charade starring Mark Wahlberg & directed by Jonathan Demme! A lousy remake & the remake of The Omen ... I think that Hollywood these days hasn't an original idea! | I agree...
Written by Guest on 2007-05-16 08:49:22
There's definitely a surplus of awful remakes! Omen and Charade are up there. | CLash!
Written by Guest on 2007-05-17 11:00:50
Clash of the Titans remake?! Sweet! | Alfie
Written by Guest on 2007-05-17 16:05:43
What about Alfie? Another Michael caine movie ruined, this time it was ruined by Jude Law instead of Stallone! | More remakes.....
Written by Guest on 2007-06-20 13:31:38
What about the Parent Trap or Sabrina? |
Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
