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Because quite frankly I can’t take this anymore. The relationship I’ve had with heels, flats and even flip-flops throughout my life has been perilous at worst and pathetic at best. And enough is enough. After one final straw this morning involving a surprise broken heel and a long walk to the bus stop, I’ve decided to end this unhealthy and damaging relationship...with my shoes.
But before I light all of my shoes on fire and toss them out my window into the alley below, I have decided to provide a list of pros and cons to my previous footwear experiences. Read this, and then let me know if I’m overreacting (which I hardly ever do).
Experience #1, or, How the West Lake monster ate my jellies I was maybe seven or eight when my dad took me for a spin in his small motorboat on the lake behind my grandparent’s house . It was a peaceful evening, and we were lounging in the middle of the lake when the engine suddenly started to smoke and caught on fire, forcing us to exit the boat (via jumping into the cold water) and swim to shore, leaving flaming wreckage behind us. We both survived the swim. My favorite clear plastic jelly sandals, however, were not so lucky, and are probably still resting on the bottom of Portage’s West Lake today.
Con Thus began my string of shoe-related traumatic experiences. Although, oddly enough, I still very much enjoy boat rides
Pro Jelly shoes weren’t long for the world of fashion, anyway.
Experience #2, or, How European feet are grossly disproportioned I know there are tall people in Europe. I’ve even seen them on occasion. But for some reason, these people are very misrepresented in society, or at least in European shoe stores. Because for the life of me I could not find one single pair of shoes during my whole three-month stay there. There was one notable incident in a shoe boutique in Italy where a rather petite shoe clerk actually dropped her jaw in disbelief when I told her my shoe size. ”Quaranta-due?!?” she cried out. She had the decency not to laugh when she brought me the only pair of shoes from the entire back room (man I hate those back rooms) that was in my size, and that in all its brown velvety, bejeweled glory could have really only been designed for someone in the circus profession.
Con Emotional trauma, freak-like feelings, general blows to foot self-esteem
Pro Learned a little something about the metric system
Experience#3, or, How I learned that heels don’t have traction on ice I’ll only give you the basic elements of this story: multiple Kamikaze shots post college-graduation; late night trip to an iced-over Taco Bell drive thru; a stalled motor in said drive thru; my mistaken belief that if a car is on ice, it can just easily slide out of the way when pushed by strong enough force; my mistaken belief that my own arm power could act as said force; my face connecting with ice, hard. I understand that it wasn’t only my high heels that let me down that night. But they sure didn’t help a lot, either.
Con Bruises, scars and other bodily harm. Plus I didn’t ever get my Taco Bell.
Pro Turns out I left my college years with about the same amount of grace, class and common sense that I entered them with.
And these are only the highlights. The list of heels that have broken at inopportune times and sandals that have snapped while on vacation goes on and on. I simply don’t have time to record them all and light my shoes on fire at the same time. So if you see me in the future, barefoot and happy, you’ll know why.
Oh, and please stay out of my back alley for the next ten to fifteen minutes. You’ll know when it’s safe when the smell of burning rubber subsides. |
I'm disappointed In You
Written by Guest on 2007-05-16 16:24:37
Now Linds when we were on vacation I said you had to write a blog with the words whirling dervish and some other word I can't remember right now, I'm Waiting!!!   | I'm disappointed In You
Written by Guest on 2007-05-16 16:27:09
Now Linds when we were on vacation I said you had to write a blog with the words whirling dervish and some other word I can't remember right now, I'm Waiting!!! | Holy Crap
Written by Guest on 2007-09-18 04:31:55
I am at work reading this right now and I have tears running down my face. Everyone thinks I'm a freak. However, I do want to remind you that we DID INDEED GET TACO BELL THAT NIGHT. Remember when that friend picked us up and we were like "Uhh... I know your car broke down and everything, but we're still gonna hit the drive thru, right?" |
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