But anyway, apparently moving your muscles around in repetitive movements will keep you alive longer, and therefore has been deemed by society as important. Now I understand that there may be some anarchist Cheetos-loving fanatics out there who may rebel against society’s rules- but the rest of us have to abide by them. So I’ve developed a few basic workouts that you can truly work into your everyday routine. And, as a bonus, you won’t have to hear Denise Austin’s voice telling you “reach, reeeeeeach and work from your core, that’s it,” until you want to take the blunt end of your 5-lb. weight and jam it repeatedly into your ear just so as to deafen yourself and please God make it stop.

Anyway, here are the exercises. Learn them. Live them.*

The bus semi-squeeze

This exercise has two goals: 1) to work every muscle in your body through a series of constricting motions and 2) to avoid touching other people, especially during flu season.

Basically, the next time you are sitting on the bus and you can slowly feel your life source being sucked out of you by the woman with a trunk full of junk on your left and the dude splashing donut crumbs from his mouth on your right, don’t despair. Simply perform the “bus-squeeze”- first, pull every limb in as close the center of your body as you can. Tuck you elbows into your ribs, pull up your knees as far as they can go, and pull your head down into your collarbones. Your personal space bubble should become so small that it would be impossible for anyone to find it, let alone pop it. Hold this position until someone on the bus shifts, allowing you a little space. Relax, then repeat. Remember- if you don’t feel the burn, you’re not trying hard enough.

Note: can also be exercised on a train, in the backseat of a crowded car, or on a barstool when strangers begin to edge in a little too close for comfort in order to attract the attention of the bartender (at least you hope that’s why their elbow is on your thigh…)

The office chair arm curl

There’s a lot of calories you can burn in that familiar chair you occupy for 40 hours out of the week. Just think of the amount of times you reach for something throughout your day; whether you are answering the phone, slicing open a letter, stapling a report or reaching for that bottle of warm, Vodka-spiked eggnog leftover from the office Christmas party that you keep strapped under your desk by a clever system of rubber bands and paper clips.

That’s a lot of movement going on- a lot of unutilized movement. So work it, sister (or brotha). If you intentionally drop calls throughout the day, then you will have to reach for the phone twice as often, working your forearm muscles twice as hard. If you put your office plant on a higher ledge, you will have to stretch farther to water it and keep it alive, thereby also utilizing more muscles. Some other handy tips include tying a 10-lb. weight to the bottom of your stapler and putting chewed gum on the bottom of your mouse to build resistance (you may want to clear this with your IT guy first).

Bar games (high or low intensity)

The days of going to the bar and simply talking to friends and meeting new people are behind you. If you are serious about your new workout routine, then you will have to be willing to employ it at all times- even while consuming alcohol.

And bars, believe it or not, are ideal places for anyone looking to get a good work out. Not only are there inherent skills and muscles involved in playing pool, throwing darts and banging on the jukebox like The Fonze, but there are also a lot of hidden workouts to be found in a bar as well.

One exercise is called “Hide and Go Stalker.” Sometimes while at the bar, you are forced (once again by society’s damn rules, or by your own thirst) to accept a drink from a stranger. Sometimes this situation can turn out well… but sometimes it ends badly, and that’s when “hide and go stalker” comes into effect. The rules of the game force you to remain at least 50 feet from the non-attractive-drink-buyer at all points throughout the evening, in order to avoid nasty looks, verbal assault or, worse, the continual offering of more drinks. This is harder than it seems, and involves a lot of running, ducking and complicated foot maneuvering.

Another exercise that can be performed at the bar involves being a semi-slutty drunk girl and having access to a pole. See Carmen Electra’s Striptease Workout for further instruction.

Pedestrian racing

The concept here is simple, and can be performed while you take care of basic errands like doing laundry or running to the supermarket (and I don’t mean actually running, of course- you wouldn’t want to break a sweat or anything). The premise behind this is that anything your neighbor can do, you can do faster. Folding shirts, counting out change at CVS for your US Weekly fix, or retrieving your mail from the slot.

While those around you continue on at a sluggish pace, you can do everything at lightning speed! You can be the first to have your foot hit the road once the cross light turns green, you can run up the stairs of the El even if there are two dozen people trying to come down at the same time, and youcan be the first on your sidewalk to look away awkwardly and quicken your pace when a stranger asks you for change.

And, it’s true- some people might look at you oddly or call out expletives when you accidentally shove them into a grocery store display of oranges with your speeding shopping cart that you’ve nicknamed “The Whizzer.” There is a name for these people. We call them lazy. I wouldn’t worry about them. A little thing I like to call “heart disease” will catch up to them eventually.

That is all, grasshoppers. Let the swimsuit season begin.

*None of these workouts should be undergone without first consulting your doctor. Not recommended for women who are pregnant, or for anyone suffering from diabetes, recovering from surgery or lacking the will to live.

Comments

steven Written by Guest on 2007-06-14 16:02:54

finally a workout plan i can follow Written by Guest on 2007-06-15 13:48:04 Next time I order a margarita I'll place it on the far end of the table. That way I have to reeeeaaach for my goals. And who cares if you look good in a bikini or not, as long as your drunk!   *Beth

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