My lead singer’s girlfriend’s parents (sounds made up, I know) live on a lake and they like to party so they invited a handful of people over on Saturday for some cold beers and a cruise on the boat. I reluctantly got out of bed in the a.m. on a weekend and headed over there, board shorts on and towel slung over the shoulder. It was me, Charlie, June’s parents and June’s aunt, a very attractive woman in her low 30’s. We BS’d for a while and then headed out for a cruise, but despite the “30%” chance of showers a black cloud appeared out of nowhere and rained down hell upon us after like 20 minutes on the water. We garaged it for about an hour and enjoyed some beers and a few laughs, and once the rain subsided we hit the water for round two. The whole time we were in the garage everyone kept saying how I needed to get on the ski’s, and I brushed it off like, “Yeah, whatever, I’ll give it a shot.” Big mistake. BIIIIIIIIG mistake.

June’s dad went first, and of course he’s hopping the wake, bending turns and displaying his years of skiing expertise. Then it was my turn. I began using an old D.A.R.E. tactic, that being “The Broken Record”, but then June’s aunt said, “I’ll go if you go. You’re the man, so you should go first.” Swallowing a sexual response I reluctantly agreed, tossed on my vest and dove in the water. I tried this once before many years ago, but I couldn’t even stay up for like five seconds. So after all the instructions and everything, I pointed my skis, held the handle between my legs and braced for the tug. I saw the slack kick out and the boat churn up some wake, so I repeated some positive thoughts in my head and…….. BOOM, I was up! This is amazing! I can’t believe-face full of water. Before it began it was all over, and as the lake water drained from my ears I could hear their laughter as they circled back. The second and third attempt followed suit, and as I re-attached my ski’s for my fourth attempt I noticed another boat skipping by, and an adolescent female skiing along like nobody’s business. Cheers and pumping fists poured from their boat and although she looked terrified, she had still gotten out of the water.

This put some charge in my body and as my boat floated by, June’s aunt was smiling and said, “C’mon Matt, you can do this!!!” And just like that, my thoughts went from positive to, “C’mon you pussy, you look like a fag out here. Be somebody!!!” So I got my grip, gave the nod and then BOOM, I was up! Yes I was rocking back and forth and my form was horrific, but I was up!!! Ok now, just straighten out, no wait, that leg isn’t straight, no, don’t overcorrect, just bring that one ba-SLAM BANG BOOM!!! I can guarantee that wipeout was Max X worthy, for they laughed all the way back, and I could tell they were sick of me falling right away so I gave the “NO MAS” and hopped back in the boat. June’s aunt didn’t get up either, but the fact I looked like an idiot out there kind of ruined my day for a bit. Then of course Charlie went out and made it around the lake a few times, so I felt about eight inches tall when we went in to dock.

But I will not give up, I WILL get up on those ski’s and kick some serious ass, but I’ll probably have to hire someone to take me on a desolate lake where nobody can see me look like an fool.

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