Is it just me, or are these scenarios just plain hooey?

Try this one on: You're enjoying the company of friends at a picnic, mid-July, when three mullets walk by, "Milwaukee's Best" in tote.

Now that's easier, right? Indeed.

And there's good reason: Summer is the season of mullets. Sure, a November football game is a quasi-Mullet mecca. And if you live in any part of Wisconsin, mullets are year-round fare. But for the rest of us, summer is prime mullet season.

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE

I must admit that my research is from firsthand experience. From 1989-1992, I yielded to temptation, and grew a mullet. Through 1991, my mullet was hardcore. By every measure of what a mullet is, I was true to form.

But as 1991 took shape, my mullet began to morph into what MulletsGalore.com classifies as a Section III.29 "mulletofdeath." I slowly began to let the sides of my mullet grow out, and by late 1992, my mullet was no more.

I admit this because my understanding of the mullet's prime season - summer - comes from living the life. You think you know, but you have no idea.

MULLET TOLERANCE

As the weather warms, you'll see more mullets about. Don't be frightened. Mullets, like a precious blooming flower, are only on display for short time. Taking note of mullets in your community is one thing. Understanding and tolerating them is another.

In this age of tolerance, we serve the mullet community best by learning why they are uniquely suited for summer. Though often misunderstood, the mullet has survived due to its functionality and aesthetics.

From a functional perspective, the mullet is designed to provide optimal aeration on top, and ample shade in the back. This is especially helpful when working outdoors, or partying down by the river. Also, when a mullet goes out for a nice sit-down dinner at the local marina, the "party in the back" is easily pulled into a tail - even braided in some instances to keep cool curing long summer nights.

Aesthetically, the mullet is unique in that others' reactions depend upon the angle from which it is sighted. From the front, the mullet keeps faces pleasantly framed, but in the back, the signature "ape drape" lets the world know its wearer parties hard

Summer is excellent for mullet expression, too. The warmth takes away any need for a hat, thus allowing the mullet to express itself by coloring, braiding, teasing, crimping, or highlighting the "yep/nope" style. When you're at a festival this summer, take time to appreciate the mullets around you.

CARPE MULLET

As summer grows nigh, you should get out and experience the mullets around you. There are a few ways to do this.

One is a mullet hunt. This has various executions, such as finding random mullets and asking to have your photo taken with them. Another is to go out with a friend and compete as to who can touch the most mullets in a single night.

Be careful, though. Mullets have varying degrees of "mulletude," or aggressiveness in social situations. An intoxicated mullet is one you should avoid. If you're going mullet hunting on a weekend, try doing it in mid-to-late afternoon, before the mullet upgrades to whiskey.

Most important, though, be sure to enjoy the mullets around you this summer. Without them, where would America be? If we let the mullets around us die off, the terrorists win. Worse yet, mullets will begin being outsourced to India.

Like any endangered species, we have to preserve mullets in all ways possible: raising awareness, building their self esteem, even helping them find a mate so their genetic makeup lives on. With action and prayer, some day mullets may once again dominate American culture.

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