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And no, I don’t mean the ‘slut’ stage of life, which, depending on the individual, could last either as long as the three hour haze following your first dabble with a six pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and ending in a position of shame on a pull-out couch in some dude’s basement…or as long as, well, the second Bush administration.
I mean the ‘slut’ stage of Halloween costumes, which for many of us (and here I’m talking to the ladies) begins at around freshman year of college and lasts until Question Mark. Question Mark can come at any time, and represents the age when the benefits of not freezing your ass off on the last night in October outlast the benefits of throwing on some lingerie and kitty ears and calling your costume done. In other words, Question Mark= the first stages of adult maturity.
If you have already hit that stage, then congratulations. You no longer base your self-esteem on whether or not you can pull off fishnet tights. Many of us, however (including myself), are not quite there yet (although I might have taken one step closer this year, had it not been that two-for-one sale on fishnet tights…damn you TJ Maxx and your increasing efforts to stunt my maturity!)
Anyway, for those of you still stuck in the ‘slut’ stage who are curious to know how you got to where you are, and where there is to go from here, I provide a detailed list of the Stages of Halloween Costumes Based Upon Where You Currently Stand in Your Attitude and Opinions Toward Life.
Stages of Halloween Costumes Based Upon Where You Currently Stand in Your Attitude and Opinions Toward Life
Stage one, the barely conscious stage
Chances are good that you won’t remember this primary stage in your Halloween costume development, and all you have to show for it is a few dated photos of you looking confused, wide-eyed and a little constipated in a pumpkin costume. Unable to sit up on your own, you’re most likely being propped up by a larger unseen hand in the photos, and sometimes you are fed the more disgusting versions of Halloween candy that no one who could talk would actually put near their mouths. On a sadder note, pets hardly ever leave the ‘barely conscious stage,’ and are often subjected to several rounds of Halloween outfits in which they rarely get a say.
Stage two, the competition stage
Between the years of kindergarten and seventh grade, Halloween becomes pretty intense. You plan your costume for months, you prepare your trick-or-treating route for days. You secretly laugh at the efforts of your friends in becoming ‘fairy princesses’ or ‘witches’ because your concept involving an actual picnic table, fake food and little plastic ants is so obviously awesome in comparison. (sidenote: going as a picnic table for Halloween seems clever, but can become cumbersome on long trick-or-treating routes of the neighborhood. Also, it is harder than you think to glue plastic apples to cardboard.) This is also the only stage involving contests for ‘best costume.’ Unless you are a Trekkie.
Stage three, the slut stage
As is well documented in my introductory paragraph. Variations on this theme include slutty nurse, slutty cop, slutty prison guard, slutty superhero (although many superhero costumes need little alteration to be deemed slutty anyway), slutty pop star (ditto), slutty authority figure, slutty-and-slightly-disturbing take on a childhood icon (girl scout, schoolgirl, care bear), etc. etc.
Guys generally bypass the slutty stage, and instead between stages two and four enter something called “the scene from a Will Ferrell movie” stage.
Stage four, the just take your candy and get off my damn porch stage
You will know when adulthood finally hits when you care how long trick-or treaters linger on your porch to examine their goods before moving on. Also, when you have a porch.
Stage five, the I’m so scary, every day is Halloween stage
When you’re old enough (and have amassed enough cats or snakes), you will have the power to scare neighborhood children on every day of the year, and not just on Halloween. This is the final stage of Halloween costumes- the stage in which they become unnecessary. Sometimes this stage is followed directly by stage one again, and the Stage of Halloween Costumes gets bumped to the Cycle of Halloween Costumes.
Now if you’ll excuse me, this has been fun and all, but I have a costume made entirely of fishnet stockings to squeeze into.
Happy Halloween. |
true, true
Written by Guest on 2007-11-12 10:26:53
I think us girls did a good job this year of rocking out the in-between stage. Mostly consisting of wigs, but just a little bit of sluttiness to ensure that our party days are far from over. hollar. *B | Ddada
Written by Guest on 2008-08-09 08:24:45
izle |
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