Am I disappointed that there really wasn’t anyone in attendance? Honestly? Not really. I played well, but not as well as I know I could have. I’m sure that next time will be better so I’m pleased that I played in a comfortable and safe setting. Was I a rockstar? Also, not really. After watching the headliner, I realized a few things about my performance.
1. I need more confidence. I get too down on myself and announcing a song as, “Some people like this one. I think it’s ok,” is probably not the best way to go.
2. I need to talk to people like I already know them, sage advice from my headliner himself.
3. Have fun. Why the hell am I onstage playing music and being nervous?
Number three is a tough one for me. My classical background has taught me that music is a competition, a big reason why I decided to turn my back on classical performance and seek out something more personal. Getting on stage and playing the same piece 50,000 other people have played in just the last year and trying to play it better than everyone else just wasn’t my cup of tea. I was tired of sticking with tradition. I embrace change and, sadly, classical music does not and perhaps that’s why the average age of the classical music listener goes up ten years every ten years. It doesn’t take much to realize that most concert halls have a good chance of being empty in the next few decades.
I do find it a pity, though, because there are plenty of people that are highly trained in a dying art. And, try as I might to help resurrect it, how can I when I’ve lost faith in it myself? It’s not the music. The music is brilliant. The Rachmaninoff concerti, Beethoven symphonies, Wagner operas are all brilliant works of art that are incomparable to anything written today. It’s sad to know that many people will never hear the smaller, more unknown gems like Medtner’s Fairy Tales or Rachmaninoff’s small Elegiac Trio.
I am often most happy when I’m able to listen to and speak about classical pieces that I love. What I cannot deal with is the constant competition, comparison, and lack of forward thinking. And also, I hated it when I was playing something lovely and slow and someone would say, “That’s great. Can you play something fast and showy?”
Clearly I have a classical monkey on my shoulders that I need to shake off. And, if I can’t ever get rid of him, I’m just going to have to work with him to make him more open-minded so that he and I can both have more fun the next time we perform. And if he doesn’t’ agree, I’m just going to have to kill him.
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