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So, I haven’t done much. I mean, I’ve moped. I’ve read some books. Mainly, though, I’ve ignored my piano altogether. I haven’t sung a note since my last recording session where I couldn’t get the song to come out right and it stupidly crushed my artistic abilities. It’s a good thing I’ve been reading, though, because I took a look at some career books and, apparently, creative people (musicians especially) are very down on themselves when something doesn’t go well.
I realize that it sounds a bit pathetic to admit that I’ve gone the route of career books, but I figure when you have a master’s degree in piano and a few jobs that barely pay your rent, it’s time re-evaluate a few things. The book didn’t so much give me any ideas for what I want to do with my life but, instead, made me look at why I do things the way I do them. It cites an example of a woman who is a calligrapher and every time she sees a sloppily written store-front sign, it pains her physically. I realized after reading that that there is actually poorly written music that gives me physical pangs of discomfort and actually makes me angry. I was trying to have a listen to some Shakespear’s Sister. Those of you who know of the band may drop me some nasty comments, but I can assure you I listened to it with all intentions of liking it. I closed my eyes and I sat there with an open mind and then, about 4 songs in, I realized that I was actually getting angry and if my friend, who was driving, hadn’t shut off the radio, I may have actually snapped at him out of sheer frustration at what my mind perceived to be poorly constructed music. What did I learn from that? I learned that if music can affect my mood to that degree (I’ve also had songs actually cause me complete pleasure to the point that I declare then and there that I could actually live in them forever, each like a complete little world made up of nothing but sound) then I’m probably going to be very affected by criticism to my personally written music. And I realized that that’s pretty stupid and I’m only going to cripple myself unless I let it go and write the music for me, because I want to and because I need to.
In my current case, I realize that it’s not criticism that got me down but an inability to perform something to my liking. I guess I’ll just have to keep writing, though, and maybe I’ll eventually learn the best things to write for my best talents and vocal ranges and, instead of being disappointed in myself, I’ll be happy that I am still creating. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
