So while I can’t fill you in on the steps to reach that golden place of mortgages, chocolate labs and financial security, I can give you a brief and handy list of things that won’t make you any older or wiser. Because for the moment I may not have a profit-sharing plan or even a yard to call my own, but I do have the following:

A list of things that won’t bring you any closer to maturity, even if you, and the rest of society, believe that they should

1. A new haircut

So you want to finally chop off that coed-style messy ponytail that continues to scream “hey everyone, I’m too hungover to properly shower before my Econ exam this morning because it was $2 shot night at (insert the name of local Irish bar here) last night and I got waaasted!,” even though you graduated college so long ago that you can’t even remember anymore where you put your diploma (hopefully not in the trunk of that car you sold for rent money a couple months back…)?

I feel you.

I mean, forget about the countless movies featuring female protagonists who cut off their hair in a quickly edited montage before turning into a practically different character altogether. What about Oprah’s mini-makeovers that always chop off the locks? Or the fact that practically every other woman of a certain age has hair cut above the ears (I’ll bet you $20 that your mom does).

But unfortunately, chopping your hair off into a “more mature” style that falls somewhere between the do’s of Dorothy Hammill and Hilary Clinton won’t stop you from acting like an idiot on Friday nights. Those shots are still $2. And you will still drink them, even if you have less hair to hold back while vomiting. Trust.

2. A new place

You would think that moving up to a larger apartment would provide more space for adult-style furniture (coffee table, anyone?), art (framed works by the masters to replace those “Breakfast Club” posters), and filing cabinets in which to place your scores of adult-like work of semi-importance.

And yet, what more space actually provides you with is more empty corners to avoid cleaning out until the dust bunnies threaten to shelter small animals, more kitchen cabinets to store your Circus Peanuts and Wheat Thins, and, well, more filing cabinets in which to place your scores of old hair ties, school pictures and other assorted junk.

3. A new ride

Actually, I don’t have one of these.

Actually, I’ve never had one of these.

Maybe this is finally the thing that will bring that ever-elusive adulthood to the fore. A new car! Of course. Why didn’t I think of this before?

Scratch all of the above. You want to know how to gain maturity? I’m betting it’s with a brand new Lexus, with its shiny exterior and satellite radio with built-in GPS system. How can a built-in GPS system not lead to adulthood? I’m a fucking genius.

I’ll let you know when I buy my new car and finally become a grown up. Or, failing that plan, I’ll just let you know when I’m heading down to McGee’s for $2 shots.

You know, either way.

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