Since I am a Christian and cannot sing, I like to enjoy a few cups of 'nog and make up my own carols. I had just come up with a ridiculously filthy version of "We Three Queens" when it hit me - what better way to recap a year in Hollywood?My very brief version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas":
In the 12 months of 2005, Hollywood gave to me:
12 Federlines a-rapping
11 times Jude's cheating
10 hundred pounds Nicole Richie's losing
9 couches for Tom Cruise-style jumping
8 months of Lachey-Simpson marriage faking
7 celebs law-breaking (Lil' Kim, Michael Jackson, Russell Crowe, Martha Stewart, Boy George, R. Kelly, Christian Slater)
6 housewives sinning
5 deaths of golden entertainment icons (Johnny Carson, Peter Jennings, Luther Vandross, Anne “Mrs. Robinson” Bancroft, Hunter S. Thompson)
4-ty celeb divorces
3 musical comebacks (Mariah Carey, Madonna, INXS)
2 horny Greek shipping heirs
And a new foreign baby for Angelina Jolie.
I would suggest a LOT of festive holiday beverages before trying that one in public.
Anyway, the outlook for 2006 in the entertainment industry is fantastic. Now that Nick can date 19-year-old co-eds in public, I sense a whole new push for him in the teeny-bopper market which, let's be honest, was the best portion of his career? 98 Degrees reunion, anyone?
I realize one of them just ran for governor in Ohio or something, but I'm sure his schedule could be accommodated.
And a lot of my friends are upset about "The Simple Life's" upheaval at FOX, but I think there are bigger and better things in store for our girl Paris. Two Greek heirs in one year? Someone get this girl a gig at the Embassy! She's improving global relations one Chihuahua and wealthy foreign boyfriend at a time.
Good news awaits on the horizon for anyone who enjoys pulling up a lawn chair and watching Jerry Springer – Katie Holmes is due in a few months, and the last time I checked, Tom Cruise was still gay.
The way I see it, we pop-culture whores can't lose…if it's not his, drama is sure to ensue, and if the spawn was the result of some Tom-Katie risky business, I call dibs on babysitting Jesus first because IT WILL BE THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION, part two.
Have a healthy, happy, safe holiday season and best of luck in 2006!
